


I'm a fucking mess sometimes.

by lunatic_99



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff (maybe?), Low Self-Esteem, M/M, Nemesis is pushing him away, Nemesis is shy and insecure, Rekkles is caring about him, Tim's a fucking mess sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-02-23 21:17:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18710128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunatic_99/pseuds/lunatic_99
Summary: Tim joins Fnatic and knows exactly what he wants. He wants to prove himself and show the world that he doesn't need to copy Caps, that he is a great player on his own. But then his team doesn't succeed and slowly but surely he blames himself for it. Rekkles hates to see that happen but Tim doesn't want any help at all. And between losing games and trying to deal with the pressure and his teammates, Tim makes decisions that he might regret...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there again to my second story!  
> This is something my mind created while watching Tim's streams and listening too much to Eden.  
> Be careful, the story has a really... let's say chilled pace. Don't expect things to happen fast.  
> This story was also not written in English but translated, so please excuse me my mistakes, I try my best!  
> Have fun reading!

Tim was more nervous than he would have liked when he first met his new team. And his nervousness usually showed by making him even more shy and silent. Not especially helpful if you wanted to make a good first impression...

Broxah was the first one to welcome him. They had played duoq together a couple of times and luckily that made it less awkward. The jungler showed him his room, gave him a short time to get rid of his luggage and then showed him the way to the office.

Above his place was a jersey of Caps, which hurt Tim a bit. But then he remembered that he had not come to copy Caps. Broxah was also a little uncomfortable when he noticed the mistake and played it with a laugh.  
Tim looked around and found that Rekkles was probably sitting on his left. Broxah's place was on his right side, Bwipo sat on the other side of the jungler. Hylis PC was at the other end of the room.  
Behind him was a row of tables that made the room somehow crowded, but Tim was not an interior designer and left it uncommented. For a moment he was sitting in his chair, not sure what he should do. Was there time for some soloq? Or should he take the jersey off the wall? And where had Broxah gone?

As if he could read thoughts, the jungler appeared in the doorway. "Are you hungry?“, the Dane asked, tilting his head slightly. Tim declined. "Thirsty?“, Broxah asked further, but he only got a meaningless shrug from his new midlaner. Of course, Tim could handle a drink, but he would survive without it. Broxah shook his head with a light smile and disappeared out of the doorway.

Tim decided to follow him and found themselves standing in the kitchen. "Unfortunately, we only have water here. I guess no one went to the store yet,“ Broxah said apologetically. But Tim didn’t mind. He wasn’t demanding by any means. "That’s alright,“ he said and forced himself to smile as he took the glass from Broxah. "The others should be here by any minute,“ the jungler explained before leaving the kitchen - with Tim on his tail, of course.  
They entered the largest room of the office and sat down on the couch. Tim hoped his other team members would show up soon. He hated small talk, and he couldn’t stay silent forever. So, to say nothing, he took a sip from his glass.

To his luck - or misfortune? - Broxah didn’t quite know what to say either, so they ended up looking at their smartphones and checking social media. However, Tim only scrolled thoughtlessly without really reading what was on his screen.  
He thought about the rest of the team and how they would react to him. Broxah was the way he had imagined: calm and friendly. Tim thought of Hyli in a similar way, maybe a bit more cynical... Bwipo, in his eyes, was the hyper guy who constantly spreads a good mood. And Rekkles... yeah, Tim didn’t know how to rate the famous AD Carry. He made a nice impression when interviewed after the games and seemed very disciplined, but Tim couldn‘t judge him on a personal level. He had never talked to anyone else who had been closer friends with him.  
Tim also heard that Caps left because it was such a burden to play with Rekkles. But he didn’t know if he should believe it or not. People told a lot of rumors and he preferred making his own picture...

The sound of the door made Tim jump. It didn’t take long before Joey, a man he didn’t know and Hylissang entered the room. "Hello guys,“ Joey greeted them before he came up to Tim and reached out with his hand. "I’m Joey.“  
Tim stood up and shook the hand of his new coach. "Nemesis.“ He already knew Joey, because the coach had contacted him in the first place. However, they met for the first time in person.  
Hylissang and the guy who introduced himself as Mephisto also shook his hand. "Did you arrive safely?“, Joey asked and dropped into a chair next to the couch. "Yes,“ Tim answered curtly and Joey nodded, smiling. "Martin and Gabriel should also be here by any minute.“ Joey had just spoken when they heard the click of the door again.  
"Hey, guys!“, Bwipo called into the room and threw his jacket on the table before he came to Tim. "Is that my new midlaner?“, he asked with a big grin on his face. Tim couldn‘t help but smile as he shook Bwipos hand, briefly affirming his rhetorical question. "Welcome to the lunatic asylum“, Bwipo sang and threw himself next to - or rather half onto - Hyli, who immediately defended himself. "I missed you, little inter“, Bwipo laughed and ruffled through Hyli’s hair. The support rolled his eyes and withdrew from the touch. "I did not,“ he grumbled, but Tim sensed that he meant the opposite.

They fell silent as they heard the door slam shut and turned. Shortly afterwards Rekkles came into the room and greeted them. Tim‘s heart beat a little faster and he hated himself a bit for it. "I’m Rekkles, or Martin, as you like,“ the ADC said gently, holding his hand out to Tim. The midlaner grabbed it. "Nemesis,“ he said shortly. Sometimes he wished he had a joke on his lips like Bwipo usually had, but there was nothing there. Rekkles just nodded again and then sat down on the couch.  
"How were your days off?“ Joey asked. "Can’t really complain,“ Bwipo said, rocking his head from left to right. Rekkles, however, laughed softly. "Painful,“ he said, and everyone looked at him confused. With a proud grin, he pulled the sleeves of his jumper up and exposed the numerous new tattoos. "Wow, looks nice,“ Bwipo said, nodding appreciatively. "How many hours did you spend in the tattoo studio?“ was Broxah’s shocked question. "The last one and a half months... At least it feels like it,“ Rekkles sighed, turning his arms so they could look at them from the other side.  
"Looks good,“ Tim heard himself say. Rekkles gave him a slight smile. "Thanks, buddy.“ Tim felt himself blush a little. He didn’t quite know why he had simply said what he thought. Usually, he was not so prone to it. After all, it was the truth and at least not embarrassing. Tim liked the Swede’s tattoos, they looked cool and made him look more badass.

All that followed was welcome talk by Joey. The coach made them introduce themselves - much to Tim’s discomfort; he didn’t really know what to say - and explained that they were not looking for a second Caps. Of course, Tim had already imagined that. Then they talked a bit about the next two weeks before the split started. When would they scrim whom, when was time for soloq and what was expected of each player.  
After all the organizational stuff, Tim burned to play some soloq. Luckily he was allowed to do so. Nobody wanted anything more from him, at least not for the moment.

*~*~*~*

The next days were exciting for Tim. He played his first scrims with his new team and made ranked an unsafe place, sometimes alone, sometimes together with Broxah. He slowly began to feel comfortable and the constant tension eased off. He learned how to deal with Bwipo’s jokes and knew how to respond to them to make his toplaner happy. He learned to read out of Broxah’s expression how his game was going (the jungler always showed it quite clearly), and he also learned that Hyli was not as cautious as he first thought.  
He also learned that Rekkles was not half as professional as he was on stage. He swore a lot, made silly jokes and could behave as badly as Bwipo. And Tim honestly didn’t really expect that. But somehow he liked it much better than the professional side of the AD Carry. He had not quite figured out how the guy was ticking (after all he didn‘t spend as much time in the office as the others, since he had his own flat), but he was on a good way.

So Tim found himself watching his ADC more often. He started to remember what he liked to eat and what not, when he felt like joking and when not (there were actually times when the Swede couldn‘t really laugh and seemed annoyed by Bwipo’s jokes, especially when they were about Caps) and how he played. Of course, it would have been nice if he noticed that he was being watched as well, but he didn‘t see that.

Tim was part of the team for a week now and they had just listened to one of Joey’s informative presentations when Rekkles raised his voice. "I need a nickname for Nemesis,“ he said, looking at his midlaner with a slight smile. "What?“ Tim asked, slightly confused. "Nemesis is way too long for me.“  
"How about Nemmy?“ Bwipo suggested but burst out into laughter in the same second as he pronounced the name.  
"Nah, but ...“  
Tim rolled his eyes.  
"Yeah, you see, there are just no good ones,“ Rekkles complained. Tim then suggested, "You can call me Tim if you want.“  
He didn’t care if his teammates used his real name. He listened to both. Rekkles frowned for a moment. Then he nodded.  
"Okay, Tim,“ he tried his midlaner’s new nickname. "That’s way better. Thank you!“ Tim quickly looked away when he saw the smile on the ADC’s face. He couldn’t meet his eyes without blushing.  
He didn’t quite know why and blamed it on his social incompetence. He just couldn’t handle people very well and he had to admit that Rekkles was a damn attractive guy. And if he could deal with one thing even worse, then with attractive people. Because Tim knew that he didn’t belong to this branch and he always felt uncomfortable and somehow inferior when faced with so much beauty. He just didn’t have the confidence to look someone else in the eye. He felt Rekkles’s gaze on him for some time before the Swede turned away. Tim noticed his heart beating a little faster and swallowed his unease. There was no time for that.

*~*~*~*

It was already late in the evening when Tim stretched in his chair, yawning. He would probably play one more soloq game before he would make his way to bed. He stood up as he waited in champion select for the other players to pick their champions and decided to get some more water. That could never hurt. On the way to the kitchen, he heard Bwipo and Hyli talking in the next room. He rarely eavesdropped, but when he heard his name, he stopped behind the door.  
"... Nemesis is not Caps and he has to accept that,“ Bwipo said in a subdued voice. "I know he’s extremely hurt and feeling cheated,“ Hyli interjected. "You have to give him some time.“  
"I do, but he has to stop to expect things from Tim that he can‘t give him,“ Bwipo sighed.  
Tim decided that he had heard enough and disappeared towards the kitchen. Who were they talking about? Clearly not about Rekkles, or? He had stopped counting how many times people had told him that he didn’t have to follow in the footsteps of the superstar midlaner. And of all people the team captain should want exactly that of him? Or did he just get everything wrong? Tim knew he was the opposite of Caps. He spoke little, was a friend of order and even played a more restrained playstyle in League. He couldn‘t even be a little like Caps, even if he tried.  
Tim dropped into his chair with new water. His head began to gnaw with self-doubt, and when he saw that he had missed the first two minutes of the game, he was even more listless. It was no surprise that Tim was not the reason his team won in this game ...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously:  
> Tim overheard Bwipo and Hyli talking about him and (presumably) Rekkles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Saturday!  
> Thank you all for all the kudos and comments, it made my week!  
> And after watching TL getting murdered by Caps it's time for a new chapter.  
> This is a bit short but the cut was so fitting that I couldn't resist. Have fun!
> 
> (...edit: I just added 1,2k words to this chapter cause I didn't want the next one to be even shorter. I hope y'all appreciate it haha)

Tim had decided to ignore this conversation he had overheard. It didn’t help him at all to think about it. However, he paid close attention to how he was treated by Rekkles the next few days and he occasionally discovered that the AD Carry was looking amused at his screen from time to time or specifically looking for his reaction when someone in the team made a joke. But Tim didn’t know if that meant anything (if he looked at Broxah’s screen, for example, it had no particular reason). It felt so vain and he was sure that he wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn‘t been paying attention.

The days until their first LEC game went by surprisingly fast. They had won many of their scrims and Tim was confident that they could win against SK.  
Spoilers... they could not. And even the next game ended in disaster. It felt like shit. Really shit. Tim was not used to losing. Or rather, to lose so helplessly. They didn’t really know why they lost and that was the worst. Everyone on the team had told him five times that he was not to blame for the losses, but Tim already knew that. It was true, he had little self-confidence and he would also call himself shy and silent. But in League, he knew where he stood. He knew what he could do (and that was pretty much) and so he didn’t need confirmation from his teammates. He saw his mistakes in the games and he also saw that he hadn’t lost the games alone. However, he had also seen that he could have carried if he had played better. And that annoyed him.

So Tim spent the next week every spare minute in the office. He was the first to come and the last to leave. He watched VOD reviews and played soloq until he almost fell asleep in his chair.  
Of course, the others noticed that. He felt the worried looks of Hyli on him, who somehow didn’t really know how to deal with Tim, and he also had to accept the five-hundredth "You’re not guilty“ of Bwipo.

And what was all this for? Right, two more losses. They had lost again. And again, Tim hadn’t done anything except watching. He hadn’t lost his lane, but had he won it? Clearly not. So it came down to the consequence that the midlaner slowly blamed himself. What if his teammates just could not play with him because they needed Caps? What if he was not good enough to play against the LEC midlaners?

Tim really felt shitty. He slept poorly, barely had any appetite and couldn’t play at his peak anymore. It was on Tuesday that something happened that didn’t fit in the regular process. Rekkles stayed in the office. The ADC never stayed longer after dinner. He played and streamed from his apartment. And yet he stayed this Tuesday, pretending that it was nothing special. The rest of the team paid not much attention to it and Tim didn’t want to be the one to ask. They just kept playing their soloq.  
But Tim felt Rekkles’s eyes on his screen and he felt uncomfortable. Whenever he glanced at the Swede, he returned it with a slight smile that Tim couldn‘t stand.

It was getting late and Tim didn’t manage to play even one single game cleanly. He got a bad mood and a headache. Looking around after the game, he realized that only he and Rekkles were left. The others were already gone. The clock on his computer showed 02:44. Sighing, Tim leaned his head back against the chair and closed his eyes for a moment. He felt like shit and he probably really should go to bed if he didn’t want to int in scrims tomorrow. So he slowly took off his headset and put it next to his keyboard. He ruffled his hair a couple of times (not that it would make it look any better, but it was kind of a habit of his), and wanted to get up when Rekkles suddenly looked up.  
"Are you leaving?“ He asked. Tim nodded silently.  
"Would you wait for me for a moment? I’ll be done soon,“ the ADC asked. Tim nodded again. He didn’t know why, after all, since the Swede probably wouldn’t go to the gaming house with him, but he had no excuse to leave earlier. And it was only five minutes to wait. So he sat back and watched as Rekkles disassembled his opponents with his lategame Sivir. "Disgusting,“ Tim muttered as the enemy ADC couldn‘t tank two autoattacks.  
"I know right?“ Rekkles said with a smile. It took only seconds for the nexus to explode.

The Swede took off his headset and shut down his PC.  
"Alright,“ he mumbled, turning to look at Tim for a moment. The midlaner avoided his gaze and stared at the floor.  
"You don’t look healthy,“ Rekkles said quietly, tilting his head worriedly.  
"Thanks,“ the midlaner replied dryly.  
They were silent for a moment, no one really seemed to know what to say. Apart from the fact that Tim didn’t want to talk at all. "What are you thinking?“ Rekkles asked. Tim frowned irritated. "What?“  
"I’m worried about you. You don’t seem to be in a good state of mind recently.“ The midlaner avoided the searching gaze of his counterpart. "Why would you care?“ He asked, still unwilling to reveal his mental world.  
"Because I can’t point a finger on it, but see that something is clearly wrong.“ Tim didn’t answer. Nice that he saw that.  
2And I am team captain. I can’t watch my midlaner running full throttle against the wall,“ Rekkles added. Tim chewed hard on his lower lip and tasted blood, but he kept his silence. He didn’t know what to say. 'I have the feeling that I am the problem?‘ Or maybe better 'I don’t have any qualities whatsoever and apparently, I can’t even play League anymore?‘ He believed that this was a very stupid idea. Suddenly he felt warm fingers on his chin, forcing him to look up.  
"You never talk to me. Maybe if enemy jungler is botside...“ Rekkles‘ face had suddenly turned sad. Or was that disappointment?  
"I’m sorry I’m not like Caps,“ Tim snapped suddenly, pulling away from his grip and getting up.  
"What? I didn’t mean that!“ Rekkles said, trying to correct his statement, but Tim didn’t listen anymore. He left the room and grabbed his jacket from the wardrobe. "Tim, wait,“ Rekkles shouted. But Tim didn’t wait. 

He left the office, took two steps at once. He just wanted to get away. As soon as he was outside, he took a look back, realizing that Rekkles wasn’t following him. What was that? Why was Rekkles attacking him like that? He tried his best, literally tearing himself apart to improve his performance and instead of recognition he got a „why are you talking so little“? Not that he hasn‘t heard that often enough...

Angrily, Tim clenched his hands into fists in his jacket pockets. The way to the gaming house was way too short for his upset mind, so he went straight past it. He remembered the conversation between Bwipo and Hyli he overheard a few weeks ago and he began to wonder if Rekkles really wanted him to be like Caps. Did he want him to make jokes like Caps and always spread a good mood like Caps? Did he want him to reveal crazy picks and make people laugh, just like Caps? Did he want him to make the craziest outplays on the international stage and always play on the edge of inting, just like Caps? Did he want that? Was Tim a huge disappointment in his eyes, an impertinence?  
To his shock, the midlaner noticed that he had tears in his eyes. He blinked them away quickly and took a deep breath to steady himself. He couldn’t change what Rekkles wanted him to be. He could only do his best and hope it was enough (probably not).

Tim wandered through the nightly Berlin a bit until his thoughts had reduced to a healthy minimum. Then he returned to the gaming house. Before he opened the door, he pulled his smartphone out of his pocket. Six missed calls from Rekkles, several messages that Tim didn‘t read; the clock showed just after four.  
He slipped the device back into his pocket and made his way up the stairs. He hoped his teammates were already asleep. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone.

His hopes were crushed when he opened the door and looked directly into Rekkles face. The ADC was sitting on the couch, apparently keeping an eye on the door. Tim had to suppress the urge to tumble backward. He decided to ignore Rekkles. What was this guy even doing here?!  
Almost mechanically, he stroked his jacket off his shoulders and kicked his shoes against the wall. "Tim, where have you been?“ He heard behind him. But he couldn’t bring himself to make any statement and remained silent. He didn’t need to hear accusations now. Turning, he saw that Rekkles had risen and blocked his way. Tim rolled his eyes and tried to move past the ADC, but he stopped him. Annoyed, the midlaner looked up.  
"What do you want from me?“ He asked snappily, trying to pull away.  
"What I said earlier... I think you’ve gotten that wrong.“ Of course Tim had that. It was all his fault.  
"Sure,“ he only growled, this time shaking off Rekkles arm really vehemently before making his way to his room.

"Tim!“ He heard the ADC call. Annoyed, he turned around again. "Do you wanna wake up the whole house or what?“ He asked, giving his teammate a withering look. "No... actually, I just want to know what’s going on,“ Rekkles mumbled much quieter and somehow beaten. Tim hesitated a moment as he met the begging gaze of his ADC. "You don’t want to know that,“ the midlaner grumbled as he wanted to turn around again. "What if I do?“  
He paused and sighed. "Then you don‘t know what to expect,“ Tim replied softly, leaving Rekkles alone. He didn’t have the nerve to face this conversation. He was tired and exhausted and just wanted to go to bed.  
And so he didn’t look back anymore and didn’t look at the messages on his smartphone. Yes, he didn’t even brush his teeth, but just undressed to his shorts and let himself fall into his bed.

*~*~*~*

It would be a lie to say that Tim felt better the next morning. He had a disgusting taste in his mouth and a hellish headache. Completely done, he dragged himself into the bathroom and drank a few sips of water from the tap. When the midlaner looked at himself in the mirror, he was a little frightened. He never looked pick and panned, he was used to it. But today was really a new record, and not on the positive side. He was deathly pale, with dark circles and light red eyes. His glance was almost lifeless and his hair was a mess.  
Tim decided he needed a shower first. He couldn‘t show himself to anyone like that. The hot water released his muscle tensions a bit and actually made him feel a little more like a human being.

So when he came into the living room as a reasonably looking person and saw Rekkles sitting there, he felt sick immediately. Why was this guy still here? He had his own apartment! Fortunately for him, he didn‘t try to talk to him this time, he just followed his steps with a worried look.  
Tim disappeared into the kitchen and dumped cornflakes into a bowl. Not because he was hungry, but because he knew he needed to eat something. He sat down on the sideboard and began to eat when Broxah came in. "Morning,“ he said in his deep voice (which was always a little bit deeper than normal after waking up) and Tim quietly returned the greeting. Broxah made breakfast and then gave Tim a closer look. "You look super tired,“ he stated. Tim shrugged. "I am super tired.“ Broxah grunted thoughtfully. "I probably sound like your mother now, but sleep is really important.“ Tim smiled a little sad. "I know,“ he said softly. Broxah looked at him briefly and disappeared with his food in the living room, deciding not to be the wise guy that holds talks about how to live properly.

Tim heard him talking to Rekkles, but he didn't want to know what they were talking about.  
He put his half-eaten cornflakes on the sideboard and disappeared into his room.

*~*~*~*

Tim looked up from his smartphone as he heard a knock on the door. "Yes?" He said softly. The door opened slowly and Rekkles stuck his head inside. "Can I come in?" The Swede asked cautiously. Tim eyed him for a moment with an impenetrable look, then slowly nodded. He wanted to give him another chance.  
Relief passed through Rekkles's gaze as he silently entered and closed the door behind him. Then he stood a little lost in the room until Tim sat up and offered him a place on the bed.  
"We really should talk about last night ...", the ADC began softly. "I don't want that there's anything standing between us."  
Tim nodded. "And what I said yesterday... I was serious. I really want to know what's going on," Rekkles added, seeking Tim's gaze. But the midlaner just looked past him against the wall.  
"I was serious too. There's a reason why nobody knows that," he mumbled. Rekkles was silent for a moment. He seemed to be thinking about how he could get to Tim.  
"I don't want you to tell me your dearest secrets. I just want you to talk to me when you're not feeling well," the blonde tried to explain. "And you're just not feeling well right now, I can see that."

"How am I supposed to be okay if we're 0-4?" Tim asked dryly. Rekkles had to smile slightly. "This isn't about the standings and you know that."  
Tim sighed and leaned his back against the wall.  
"You know, I've been in esport for some time...", the Swede began. "And I know how brutal it is to lose. After Worlds finals, I wondered why I'm still here when I'll never be good enough to win everything." Tim dared to glimpse Rekkles. Now it was the AD Carry who was staring at the wall, lost in his thoughts. Tim realized for a moment how beautiful he looked, but he pushed the thought away as quickly as it had come. "But that's the wrong mindset and I'm afraid you're in there right now," Rekkles concluded, blinking a few times to get a little focus in his gaze again.  
"I just want you to know that Fnatic didn't take you out of struggle, but because we really believe you can play up there." Tim nodded again. "I don't want to hear anything about Caps anymore, because nobody wants you to be him." Rekkles voice had a determining undertone. "You sure?" Tim asked, frowning.  
"Of course," his ADC confirmed. They were silent for a moment before Rekkles raised his voice again.  
"I want to be honest with you. Sometimes I miss Caps. He was our clown and something is different since he left. Sometimes I wonder what he would've said or done, which champion he would've picked or what strategy he would like or dislike. But on other days I'm glad my midlaner isn't trying to troll our coach all the time and has some discipline and a good working attitude." A slight smile sneaked over the Swedes features and Tim had to smile as well. "You look a lot better when you smile," Rekkles admitted. Tim blushed and stared at his hands. "But you got what I wanted to say, right?", the ADC then asked. Tim nodded silently. "Good. So let me know if I can do anything for you." And with that, the team captain stood up and left the room.  
Tim sat there quietly, trying to calm his racing heart. He hated compliments and he hated it even more when people tried to help him. He never knew how he should react. He wouldn't go to Rekkles and tell him his problems, that was for sure. But now he was scared to disappoint the ADC even more... Tim sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. What was going on?

*~*~*~*

It was unusual, but after the conversation with Rekkles, Tim felt a bit better. He no longer felt useless and despite his incredible lack of sleep, he played well in scrims. Joey noticed that immediately. "Good job today, Tim," he said to his midlaner after winning the last scrim game. "Thanks," Tim murmured softly, but he couldn't suppress a small smile. He felt Rekkles's eyes on him, but he avoided looking the AD Carry in the eye. He knew he would blush (and hated himself a bit for it).

For the next few days, Tim enjoyed Rekkles's full attention. He made sure that Tim ate enough, drank enough water and went to sleep early enough. Yes, he actually wrote him every night at three o'clock that he should go to bed now. It was a new sensation for Tim. Never in his life had anyone taken care of him like that and he had to admit that it felt nice. He was still incredibly bad at saying thank you or doing anything in return, but that didn't seem to keep Rekkles from doing it. Tim decided that he was fine with it if he managed to keep enough distance. He didn't want to become too attached to the attention because he knew it would stop as soon as they started to win games.

On Friday they finally won their first game. Tim felt the load lift off his shoulders and he knew the whole team felt a similar way. He enjoyed the feeling of finally being the one who could go to shake hands with the opponent.  
And even against his expectation, he enjoyed meeting the fans. They were all really nice and there were just a few unimportant moments where Tim felt uneasy.  
He finally felt like he could do something good, and he really needed that after the last few weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for today, hope you enjoyed it!  
> I wish you all a fantastic weekend! See you next week!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Rekkles had a close eye on Tim and Fnatic won their first game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not quite Saturday but since I don't know if I have the time to post the chapter tomorrow, I'm just giving it to you now. :)  
> Have fun!

Tim's flight ended with their game against Misfits. It was the same story as before. He played okay. But 'okay' wasn't enough for him or his team to win. 1-5. This wasn't a start that anyone in and around Fnatic accepted.

And while Tim didn't care much about social media and wasn't influenced easily, it hurt when he read that Caps had to come back to save Fnatic everywhere.  
Of course, Rekkles noticed the turnaround in Tim's mood immediately and watched him more carefully - if that was even possible. Immediately after the game, he had pulled Tim into a hug and quietly assured him that he wasn't to blame for their loss. And Tim had caught himself leaning a little deeper into the hug than he usually did. How he had lingered a bit longer in Rekkles arms than it would have been normal. And how a shiver ran down his spine as he felt the Swede's fingers in his hair briefly.

But the moment was over as quickly as it had come and the Midlaner recoiled immediately. His heart beat twice as fast as normal and he had to take several deep breaths to calm himself down. That wasn't good.

Tim knew he didn't need to fancy the attention of his ADC. Rekkles wanted his team to work, so of course, he tried to support the weakest link in the chain. Tim wasn't so delusional that he really thought there was something more. Unfortunately, Tim's mind and heart didn't always quite agree.

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

Joey had acted and brought a sports psychologist into the team. Tim wasn't as happy about it as the others. Of course, he was ready to do anything to improve. But he didn't like telling people too much about his life. And yes, he knew that was one of his weaknesses.

Kris was a nice guy and not a typical psychologist. In fact, Tim caught himself enjoying the work Kris was doing. Even if he had to tell his team some stuff it wasn't something too personal. And on the pro side, he also learned some interesting things about his teammates.

The one-on-one interview with Kris was a major hurdle for Tim. Since he didn't say much on his own, the psychologist had to lure him out of his reserve with smart questions. In the end, Tim was surprised how exactly Kris judged him. He suspected things the midlaner hadn't said out loud at all, and he gave him some good advice. Roughly, Kris wanted Tim to open himself up a bit and be more honest with his teammates. Tim didn't quite know if he wanted to use the advice at all because after all, it had its reasons why he was like he was. But he knew it would help if he managed to trust his team a little more.

*~*~*~*

It was the evening before their next game and Tim had just finished his last soloq game. He shut down his PC and turned to Rekkles, who was still ingame next to him. Tim didn't find enough motivation to get up, so he watched his ADC while emptying his glass of water. At some point, Rekkles gave him an amused look as he had apparently noticed he was being watched. It didn't go very well for the Swede and he tried his best to be relevant to his team. Tim's gaze eventually moved to the hands of his ADC and he watched the fine movements for a while.

"Earth to Tim."   
Tim winced and looked up. He hadn't noticed that the game was over.   
"Sorry," the midlaner mumbled a little ashamed. He was always uncomfortable when caught staring into the void. 

"I found a post on reddit for you today," Rekkles said, reaching for his smartphone. Curious, Tim tilted his head. He was curious what was coming now. Rekkles held out his smartphone and the midlaner took it.   
The picture showed two old wolves that Tim immediately recognized. He had recently seen a documentary about the two. They were the oldest alpha pair ever to live in Yellowstone.   
... until poachers shot the female.

But the graceful image of the two made Tim smile. "I had to think of you instantly when I saw it," Rekkles said, visibly pleased that his surprise had succeeded.   
"They are beautiful", Tim answered and got a little lost in the details of the picture. "I know, right?"

Tim was distracted as the smartphone vibrated and a message appeared. The midlaner quickly returned the device. "You have a message," he said quietly, watching as the ADC opened it and shook his head with a smile.  
Tim hadn't understood the message, it had been in Swedish, but whoever sent it had been saved as a "baby." With a heart. Tim didn't want to admit it, but it struck him. He had always known that all the attention meant nothing, but of course, his damn heart had somehow wanted that anyway.

Rekkles answered with a big smile and then put his smartphone away. "Time for the bed," he said, getting up. "Are you coming with me?" He asked, tilting his head slightly. Tim nodded and followed the ADC out of the office, still struggling with his hurting heart.

Once outside, he pulled the hood of his jacket over his head and buried his hands deep in his pockets. "It's cold," he said reluctantly. Rekkles chuckled. "You want to go to Alaska, it's not much warmer," the Swede replied in amusement. Tim rolled his eyes. "Whatever."  
They walked silently to the gaming house, then stopped. "Sleep well, kiddo. See you tomorrow," Rekkles said quietly, pulling him briefly into a hug. Tim stiffened at the closeness to the Swede. He didn't forget the message from before. He wished he understood what it had said. Quickly he broke away from his ADC and nodded to him with a half-hearted smile before entering the gaming house.

It would all be so much easier if Tim didn't always have to rethink everything. But unfortunately, the midlaner wasn't good at not-thinking. He was a little disappointed with himself for letting Rekkles in his head and even a little bit in his heart. He knew it from the beginning. Nobody who was so incredibly good looking would ever want anything from him. Why would they? What did he have that others didn't have in much better? Maybe his talent in League, but that rarely won hearts.

Tim was also sure that whoever was Rekkles's significant other did a better job than Tim ever could. Because again there was the question of what he could give him. And he couldn't imagine much.  
And besides, he didn't even want a relationship! The memory of it caused discomfort in him and his throat tightened. Tim shook his head and buried his head in the pillow. He knew he probably would die alone with his dogs and that was okay. At least that's what he told himself over and over again.

The next weekend was similar to the previous one. They were incredibly relieved that they could win the game against Excel and were then literally got destroyed by G2. They didn't talk much afterward. Somehow everyone had to fight with themselves and had to process this hard defeat first. Joey encouraged them a bit and they all vowed to show what they could do in the second half of the split. Because despite the crushing loses they were on the way up and everyone noticed that.

Tim tried to avoid Rekkles as best he could in the meantime. Because the ADC had not changed his behavior and still followed Tim like a shadow.  
Tim really didn't understand what it was all about and it started to bother him. Because he tried to protect his poor heart and the one who would break it anyway, ran after him as if it was a raw diamond. He was about to ask Rekkles to leave him alone, but somehow he didn't dare. It would lead to a conversation and Tim wanted to avoid that at all cost. He didn't want to be laughed at for his feelings.

But it was late at night again when Tim wasn't paying attention and didn't realize Bwipo was leaving. He finished his Syndra game and when he looked up and realized that they were alone, his heart beat faster. He swallowed nervously. Could he just sneak out? If he did a good job, maybe. He glanced at Rekkles for a moment, but he was focused on his game. So he got up as quietly as possible. 

"Where are you going?" Rekkles asked without taking his eyes off his screen. Tim winced. "Bathroom," he replied curtly and was more than proud to have found an excuse so quickly.   
"Alright, have fun," Rekkles said and Tim took a deep breath as he left the room. For a moment he stood in the hallway, unsure of what he should do. He could just go now. The door was right next to him. But then he would have lied to Rekkles. And he didn't want to be a liar.  
Sighing, he really went to the bathroom, although he didn't really need to and then returned to his place. It was still relatively early and Tim decided to play another game. Maybe he also hoped that Rekkles wanted to leave and he was still in-game and avoided the conversation like that.

Unfortunately, his secret plan didn't work out. Rekkles was done shortly after he started playing, but the ADC made no move to leave. He wrote a bit on his smartphone and then looked over Tim's shoulder. "How's it going?" He asked. Tim shrugged. "Okayish, I guess."

The midlaner didn't have to look to know that Rekkles was smiling. "Some Vayne mid, I see... Want some advice?" The Swede rolled his chair closer to Tim.   
"Nah, I think I'm fine," he mumbled, hoping that he didn't have to have Rekkles's voice behind him for the rest of the game. But his hope was - again - not heard.   
And so the ADC gave him tips here and there on how to improve. There were some really good things and he didn't flame Tim when he missed a condemn into the wall due to his pounding heart. Slowly the midlaner relaxed and let the situation be. It wasn't that bad. And if he didn't pay attention to how close they were, things were fine.

With Rekkles help, he managed to carry the game without any problem. Satisfied, he looked at the damage-dealt graph and was a little proud when he saw that he had done more than twice as much damage as the opposing midlaner. "Good job," he heard Rekkles say. Then he felt the ADC's hand on his shoulder and winced in shock. He hadn't expected that.

"What's going on?", Rekkles then asked him directly. Tim's heart started to beat faster. "What do you mean?" He asked as innocently as possible. "You promised me something," Rekkles reminded him of their conversation a few weeks ago and Tim swallowed hard. He didn' know what to say. He couldn't really tell him the real reason for the distance... 

"I won't judge you," said Rekkles behind him sensitively, and Tim couldn't suppress a sly snort.   
"Do you really think that of me?" The disappointment in the voice of the ADC was evident.  
Tim shook his head. "I hate when people say that. Anyone who said it to me didn't keep the promise," he explained soberly. Rekkles grunted in understanding. "It's not possible at all. Imagine I killed someone. Of course you would judge me then!" Tim was still staring at his screen. Rekkles chuckled. "As if you were capable of that." Tim rolled his eyes.

He was still staring at his screen. Rekkles chuckled. "As if you were capable of that." Tim rolled his eyes.

"No, but seriously. I wanna know what's going on. Otherwise I can't help you," the ADC added. "What if I don't want your help?" Tim asked softly. And while he was still talking, he wished he hadn't said that. Rekkles was silent for a moment. Apparently, he hadn't expected the question.   
Tim nervously toyed with his shirt hem. Everything in him screamed for escape, but he stifled the urge vehemently and took a short breath. 

"Why not?", Rekkles asked tonelessly. Tim didn't need to turn around to realize that he had just deeply hurt the AD Carry.  
"Because I can't handle it." Tim didn't know why he was this honest. It would make everything ten times worse.   
"I can't handle someone who cares for me," he said decisively. "Why?"  
"Because I'm not worth it. I never was." Tim now fought tears and cursed himself several times. What did he do here? "Did they tell you that?" Rekkles asked, suddenly incredibly sensitive and careful. 

"They didn't need to. They showed me." Tim trembled at the memory and quickly wiped away a tear that had sneaked its way over his cheek. He barely noticed that Rekkles stood up and took his headset off him. "Come on," the ADC said determined and Tim felt unable to contradict anything. He followed Rekkles, who told him to sit down on the couch and then disappeared for a moment. He returned with a glass of water, which Tim gratefully accepted. Then the ADC faced him.

Tim wanted nothing more than to get out of the situation and yet he didn't dare. For a moment they just sat there. Tim took a few sips from the glass of water and finally looked up. "Sorry ...," he said softly. Rekkles shook his head. "Don't be."  
"I'm a fucking mess sometimes," the midlaner muttered, clenching his grip on the glass.

"Aren't we all?" Rekkles asked softly, giving Tim a sad smile. "Maybe," was his mumbled answer. They were silent again.

"You know, you don't have to tell me if you're not ready," Rekkles began cautiously. "But you can trust me." Tim had to suppress a sarcastic laugh. If he told anyone who promised him that, his life would be a disaster.  
"I will never be your first choice either way, so why should I waste energy on that?" He asked provocatively. His mind slapped him continuously. He was just killing himself with the words and yet he couldn't stop. "What do you mean?" Rekkles asked in confusion. "I mean that I’m not going to invest feelings or anything in this friendship or whatever because I can’t handle being your sidekick." Tim suddenly became aggressive. The frustration was more than plain to see and hear. "Sidekick?" Rekkles raised an eyebrow. "Yes."  
"You're talking yourself into trouble, kiddo," the ADC said worriedly. "I know and I don't care," was Tim's dismissive answer. He was about to rise and finally flee this crappy situation when Rekkles grabbed him by the wrist. 

"You're not running away again," the ADC said, pulling his midlaner back onto the couch. Tim gritted his teeth to keep from screaming and dropped back.  
"You don't want my help because you are not worth it and can't handle being my _sidekick_? Did I get this right?" Rekkles asked. Tim winced at the direct pronunciation of the words but nodded doggedly. "And what if I think differently?" Tim laughed humorlessly. "Why would you?"  
"Maybe because I'm not an asshole?"

Tim was silent and didn't look up either. He was discreetly overwhelmed by the situation and didn't know what to do. Panic rose in him. "Why do you push everyone away?", Rekkles asked. "I want to help you!"  
"And I don't want your help. Is that so hard to understand?" Tim hissed.  
"Honestly it is." The Midlaner didn't know if he could feel any crappier than he did right now. He was on the verge of a mental breakdown.  
"Just leave me alone," Tim just said flatly. He didn't know what else to say. He felt cornered, threatened and so incredibly vulnerable that he only wanted to protect himself. "Please ..."  
Rekkles was silent and seemed a little helpless. He didn't seem to want to go, but at the same time he didn't know what to do with Tim.

Tim didn't know how long they sat in silence, but suddenly he was incredibly tired and his head ached. "My head hurts," he said softly. "Do you want painkillers?", Rekkles asked immediately, but Tim shook his head dismissively. The throbbing pain helped him not to go insane.

Again they were silent for a long time, until Rekkles said something. It felt like half a life. "Do you mind sleeping at my place tonight? I really don't want to leave you," the ADC said softly and Tim winced when he was reminded that he wasn't alone. "Why? Are you afraid I'll hurt myself?" Tim asked provocatively. But Rekkles shook his head. "I don't think you'll hurt yourself physically but I can see that you literally destroy yourself mentally." Tim clenched his teeth. He was right.   
"I can sleep at your place if you want to. I don't really mind," the ADC offered. Tim shrugged. Actually, he just wanted to be left alone. He would handle his own messed up head on his own. But he didn't have the strength to discuss with Rekkles. "Alright, let's go to my place. At least we are on our own there. "  
Tim stopped thinking and just followed Rekkles.

Tim didn't even look around when they arrived at Rekkles's apartment. He stripped off his shoes, threw his jacket somewhere (he just didn't care what anyone thought of him) and followed the ADC into the only room in the apartment. "Am I sleeping in your bed?" Tim asked bluntly. "If you want," was Rekkles simple answer. And since the floor didn't look so comfortable, Tim pulled off his jeans and socks and lay down in the (admittedly incredibly comfortable) bed. He was too exhausted to think about what he was doing here. He no longer wondered if it was right or wrong. Only when he lay he realized how much he was shaking.  
However, he was too exhausted to fight it, so he just left his head alone. If he shivered, it was like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're done for today!  
> It got a bit spicy this chapter. Let me know what you think about it. :)  
> Have a nice weekend.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Tim had an argument with Rekkles and - for whatever reason - agreed to sleep at his place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again, another chapter where we dive a bit deeper into Tim's past.  
> I hope you like it!
> 
> Warning: hard offensive language

Tim slept badly. In his dreams, his past overwhelmed him. He found himself at the time where he had his first love. He had been so hopelessly in love with a girl in his class. She had been pretty and funny and Tim had actually thought she was nice too. After simply adoring her for months, he worked up all his courage and confessed to her. And she had said yes. Tim had been the happiest person in the world. They had never kissed or hugged or anything, but he was allowed to be near her and that had already been enough for his naive, enamored heart.  
Tim remembered how his heart beat faster when she smiled at him and how soft his knees were when she looked him in the eye. He had fallen head over heels in love, and even if it was such an innocent love, it had been real.

 

_"Tim? We have to have our first kiss," Eva said, looking at Tim with her big, light blue eyes that the boy just could not resist. Tim's heart started beating faster when he heard what his girlfriend said. "Okay," he replied excitedly. "Now?"_  
_"No, you fool. We have to plan that!" Eva corrected him. Tim shrugged. It was fine by Tim. He watched a video on YouTube and practiced at home. He knew what he wanted to do. "Should we do it today during the break?", Eva asked and Tim nodded a little bit hectic._  
_The two lessons he had to endure until the break dragged on forever and Tim found himself watching the clock again and again. When the time finally had come, Tim stood up with an eager smile and followed his girlfriend outside._

_They stood with Eva's friends and the "cool" guys. It was still new to Tim and a little strange that he could stand there, before he had always been alone with his best friend. Tim couldn't believe his luck when he looked at his girlfriend. She was so pretty..._  
_At that moment, Eva turned to him. "Ready?" She asked with that cheeky flash in her eyes that Tim liked so much. "Sure," Tim answered smiling, even though his heart was beating to his throat. He was a little uncomfortable that everyone was watching, but he wouldn't be the weird guy and ask if they could go away. So he stepped closer to Eva and went through all the steps he had planned in his head._  
_First, he stroked her blond hair behind her ears, then he rested his hand on her cheek and leaned slowly to her. She looked at him expectantly with her big eyes and Tim finally closed his eyes when they were close._

_But then Eva moved back. Confused, Tim opened his eyes and saw Eva laugh. Everyone else laughed too. Did he do something wrong? "What is it?" He asked confused. Eva was holding her sides laughing and needed some time to answer. Tim was lost and suddenly felt uncomfortable. "You are so stupid," she said. "Did you seriously think I would kiss you?" Tim was deeply confused. Yes? In fact, he had thought that.  
"Look in the mirror first! Your mother surely wishes she had aborted." _

_Tim stood there and could not move. A lump formed in his throat as he looked helplessly for someone to rescue him from the situation. But there was nobody. Just Eva's friends laughing at him while his (now ex?) girlfriend continued insulting him. "You are far below my level, idiot. I hope that was a lesson for you. Go back to your fucking computer games, so no one has to see your ugly face."  
Tim finally regained control over his body. He turned and ran away blindly as he blinked away the oncoming tears._

 

When Tim woke up in the night, shaking and disoriented, he felt warm arms around him. He flinched and freed himself frantically from the touch, otherwise unable to breathe. Where was he?! Slowly he reconstructed the events of the previous night and the reality hit him like a punch. Had he lost his mind completely? He moved a little further to the edge of the bed and stared at the other person in the bed in shock.

Rekkles had woken up from the sudden movement and blinked sleepily. "What's wrong?" the Swede asked tiredly. Tim was still busy stabilizing his breathing. "Bad dreams," he answered hoarsely. Rekkles nodded understanding and rubbed his face.  
"Was I too close?" he then asked. Tim thought for a moment. It was so tempting. He could just shake his head and let himself be hugged again. Was that a good idea? Probably not. Probably his future self would hate him for it. But he was too tired to rebel against it. "I lost orientation for a second. Sorry, " he murmured softly.  
"Don't apologize," Rekkles whispered, pulling him back into his arms. Tim stiffened for a moment, then let go. He slowed his heartbeat down and leaned a little more into the warmth that made him feel so secure. The shaking faded, and as he inhaled deep breaths of Rekkles's scent, his thoughts slowed until he finally slipped into a dreamless sleep.

*~*~*~*

The next time Tim woke up, he was alone in bed, the room flooded with light. Tired, he turned around and spotted Rekkles sitting at his PC playing soloq. What time was it?  
Tim picked up his smartphone from the floor and checked the time. The digital numbers showed 12:28. 

His eyes widened in shock. They already had to be in the office for half an hour! They had scrims at 1 pm! Frantically he freed himself from the blanket and almost fell over his own legs as he climbed out of bed. Rekkles turned and raised an eyebrow.  
"Where's the bathroom?" Tim asked, looking around hectically. "Good morning to you, too," Rekkles replied amused, pointing at a door to his right. Tim ignored the teasing undertone in the ADC's voice and hurried to get into the bathroom. Luckily, he never needed much time for his morning routine.  
It really didn't feel nice to have no clothes to change and to have to keep the boxers of the day before on, but he certainly wouldn't go to Rekkles and ask him for one of his. Anyway, Tim didn't even know what had happened to him yesterday, that he had agreed to come here.  
That was by far his stupidest idea ever.

Tim returned to the bedroom, drawing Rekkles's attention. "Why didn't you wake me up? We are too late," the midlaner complained. Rekkles chuckled. "The first scrimblock has been canceled. We don't play until four. "  
Tim stopped when he heard that. He stared at the ADC dumbfounded. "And why did I hurry so much then?"  
"... that's something I've asked myself too," Rekkles replied amused and then returned to his game. Tim sighed and sat back on the bed. As he checked his messages, he realized that nobody missed him. He would later ask if Rekkles had told the others anything (hopefully not ...). 

 

Tim's growling stomach made him go to the kitchen. He found toast and butter and prepared a sparse but satisfactory breakfast at the small kitchen table. It wasn't long before Rekkles came in and sat down with him.  
"Are we talking about yesterday?" He asked thoughtfully. Tim sighed. He had already expected that... "I think we have to," he muttered listlessly and took another bite of his toast. "What did you mean by _sidekick_ yesterday?" the Swede asked immediately. Tim winced slightly and felt his heart tense for a moment. "As long as you have your _baby_ , I'm not going to be anything more," the midlaner replied dryly, trying not to sound too frustrated. Rekkles looked at him in confusion. "Baby?"

"Stop fooling me," Tim grumbled, staring at the table furiously. Rekkles was silent for a moment, thinking about what his counterpart wanted him to say. Then he laughed. Confused, Tim looked up. He didn't think it was that funny...  
"The _baby_ is my best friend", the ADC explained in amusement. "And this little shit has put himself into my phone like that at some point. Nothing to be jealous of." Tim blushed. "I'm not jealous," he hissed softly. He had scarcely been more embarrassed than right now. How obviously could one step into a faux pas?!  
Rekkles only raised an eyebrow in amusement. The following silence was more than uncomfortable for Tim and he wished he would just become invisible.

"Well, whatever, I told the others yesterday that you're here today," Rekkles said then. That didn't make Tim happier. He could already imagine the ambiguous jokes of the others. Sighing, he buried his head in his hands. His appetite was gone again. Rekkles gave him a critical look and Tim felt uncomfortably naked.  
"I can't do this," he grumbled.  
"What?"  
"This whole thing between us. What is this even? "  
"I don't know."  
"Great. Me neither," Tim muttered. He was still staring at the table, not daring to look up. 

"I mean, I think you're cute ...", Rekkles tried to explain himself. Tim shook his head dismissively. He could try to tell that to someone else, but not to him.  
"I'm just not down for some experimental games. I just can't."  
They were silent for a moment.  
"If you're not sure then we should leave this be," Tim grumbled and moved his chair to stand up.  
"I just want to help you," Rekkles replied softly.  
Tim paused. "I don't consider waking up in your bed as simple helping..."  
"You can't deny that you liked it though."  
"I can. The thought of it alone terrifies me as fuck. I shouldn't have come here in the first place..."  
"You cuddled up to me at night. That's your kind of terrified?" Rekkles asked with a raised eyebrow. Tim was silent for a moment, not sure what to say. What he had done last night had been incredibly stupid. If he hadn't been so sleepy and longing for security, he would never have done it.

"You don't know what I've been through."  
"Then tell me."  
"You wish."  
"Yeah, I really wish you would trust me maybe a tiny little bit."  
"This has nothing to do with trust and you know that."  
"With what then?"  
Tim clenched his teeth. "A lot of things," he grumbled indefinitely. He could see in Rekkles's face that he didn't believe him. But the ADC didn't ask further, just rolled his eyes annoyed and stood up. "If I annoy and frighten you so much, then just go," he said softly. Tim's eyes widened in surprise. "What?"  
"I can't do that either. I don't ask for much, but trust is one. And if you can't give that to me, then I can't do anything for you. You know where the door is." And with that the ADC got up and left the kitchen. Tim sat in his chair for a moment before getting up and gathering his things.

 

Shortly thereafter, he left the apartment and entered the cold, wintery Berlin. The cold made him think clearer again and he cursed himself for everything he had done. Why had he been so weak again? Why had he dropped his walls? He should never have gone to Rekkles.  
It had ended in a grandiose, huge catastrophe, like everything Tim had ever touched.  
He didn't know what would happen next. He was afraid that their fight would hit the team morale, but he also didn't know what he should have done differently. He was fine on his own, he didn't need any help. And certainly not when this "help" seemed to require emotional and physical attention...  
Tim didn't think Rekkles was an asshole, but you didn't have to be to exploit Tim. After what he had experienced, that was self-evident.

As he thought about all this, he realized that he was scared. He was terrified of being dropped, fooled, and trampled again. If this happened to him, in the only part of his life he didn't hate, what would he have left? But that was not the only thing, that terrified him. The very thought of having a relationship made him almost puke. He didn't want to disappoint anyone and knew he would do just that. He didn't want anyone to fall in love with him and have demands he couldn't fulfill.  
Tim was frankly scared as hell and he couldn't quite figure out how to change that.

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

Tim had made a bypass at the gaming house to get at least fresh boxers.  
When he entered the office, Rekkles wasn't there yet and that visibly relaxed the midlaner. He found Broxah and Hyli in the gaming room, sunken deep into their soloq, and decided not to disturb them. Bwipo was sitting in the couch room at the dining table enjoying his lunch as he scrolled through social media. 

"Morning," Tim said in his typical way. Bwipo looked up from his smartphone. "He is alive!" he shouted exaggerated and threw up his arms. Tim shook his head with a smile and dropped into a chair. Joey and Mephisto sat at their places and worked out strategies. They both had their headsets on and yet they turned around when they heard Bwipo's screaming. Joey nodded to Tim and Mephisto briefly raised his hand in greeting. Tim nodded back.  
"How was it?" The toplaner asked with a perverted grin. Tim rolled his eyes. "How was what?"  
"You know what I mean," teased Bwipo, pulling up his eyebrows. Tim just sighed. 

"So you didn't do it?" Bwipo seemed a bit... disappointed?  
"Of course not!" What were they thinking of him here? "The first one to resist the swedish wonderboy," was Bwipo's epically-spoken answer. Tim just rolled his eyes again and was about to disappear in front of his PC when Bwipo stopped him.  
"You don't know what happened before, right?" He asked. Tim cocked his head in confusion. He didn't know what Bwipo was aiming for. "So Caps and Rekkles... they were not just friends," Bwipo said meaningfully. Tim didn't know if that should surprise him, but it did not. You don't have to be a clairvoyant to realize that there had been more between the two. "So be careful that you don't end up as a substitute to cope with the pain..." Bwipo concluded, looking him straight in the eye. Tim just nodded. He wasn't sure what he should say. He had no intention of being exploited by anyone.  
When Bwipo returned to his food contented, Tim disappeared in front of his PC. He put on his headphones, turned his music way too loud and played some games on his smurf. He had no desire to think about his ADC again, so he lost himself completely in the game and his music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Tim.  
> How did it all go wrong so quickly?  
> What's the right way to deal with this situation now? Do they get their stuff together?  
> Let me know what you think.  
> Have a great weekend! :3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Tim and Rekkles had a serious fight and Bwipo's warning didn't make the situation any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> It's time for a new chapter!  
> I also decided to add a quote to each chapter now.  
> I used to do that with all my stories back in the day and I kinda miss it, haha.
> 
> Have fun reading!

  
_"The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart,_  
_and all they can do is stare blankly."_  
**\- F. Scott Fitzgerald**  


  
As Tim had guessed, Rekkles didn't talk much to him. He even felt like he was being ignored.  
Apparently, they had the professionalism to continue working together, but there wasn't anything more.

Tim relaxed slowly and was somehow glad that he could give himself a break after all the chaos in the last weeks.  
In fact, it was quite refreshing not to constantly have to think about unnecessary things and focus on the essentials. The others in his team seemed to notice, but no one rated it as critical to interfere. And so Tim enjoyed his rest and focused entirely on League.

 

After a few days, however, it felt weird. Tim didn't want to admit that he missed Rekkles, but he couldn't describe his feelings otherwise.  
Everything felt so cold and he missed the attention he got from the Swede. But it was good as it was, right?  
He could play his game and didn't have to think about feelings. It was better for him and for his team.  
No heartbreak, no drama.

 

_They were just waiting for their shuttle to the LEC._  
_Bwipo, Hyli, and Tim were lying on the sofa scrolling through social media. Broxah had made himself comfortable in one of the armchairs and wrote with his girlfriend. Rekkles sat at the table and listened to music._

_It was the usual calm before the storm. No one felt the need to talk, not even Bwipo._  
_When Joey came in, the team got up immediately. The coach didn't need to say anything because they all knew their shuttle arrived. So Tim put his smartphone away and got up._

_He was about to leave the room after the others when he was stopped. Taken aback, Tim turned and looked into Rekkles' green-blue eyes. Confused, the midlaner raised an eyebrow._  
_"I just wanted you to know that you look beautiful today," the ADC said quietly, running his fingers through his - still un-styled - hair. Tim didn't know what to say and was stunned. He looked just like usual?_

_But apparently, Rekkles didn't even expect him to answer. The hand, which had previously held the midlaner's wrist, slid a little lower and crossed their fingers. Tim blushed and stood there petrified when he felt the warm fingers on his. The other hand of the ADC found its way into his hair and messed it up teasingly and yet so incredibly lovingly. "Don't be scared," Rekkles whispered as he leaned over to Tim and got way, way too close..._

 

Tim woke up with a pounding heart and swallowed hard. He took several deep breaths, his hands buried in his pillow.  
He felt the heat in his abdomen and cursed himself. It was the third time he had a dream like this. 

Tim held his breath and counted to thirty to get rid of his erection. He couldn't masturbate on Rekkles. By no stretch of his imagination...  
He felt dirty and noticed tears welling up in his eyes. What did he do to deserve this?

The midlaner buried his head in the pillow and allowed the tears to soak through the soft fabric.  
He hated it, but he didn't have the strength to fight it.  
He was disgusted by himself and really just wanted it to stop. 

He got sick at the thought that he would play in a team with Rekkles for the next two years and that scared him. Everything he had hoped for, everything he had dreamed of when he had signed with Fnatic, became torture with this one thing, with this one damned guy. Tim was pretty sure that he hated him.

*~*~*~*

To Tim's immense joy, the dreams didn't stop, and the worst part was that he could no longer look Rekkles in the eye.  
As soon as he did that, he became incredibly hot and blushed.  
And it didn't matter how many times he cursed the blonde and how many times he was sure he hated him deeply. His heart spoke a different language and that awakened all his bad memories of being in love.

All this meant that the midlaner kept as far away from Rekkles as possible. He couldn't stand the nervousness that seized him, and he hoped that with a little time and distance, it would get a little better. It didn't have to be a whole lot better. Tim was used to feeling like shit, he could handle it. But maybe a tiny little bit. Maybe just so much that he could look Rekkles in the eye again.

 

When they had to play together on stage this weekend, Tim was unfocused.  
He felt like he had never gotten into the game and he couldn't care less that he lost it.  
That scared him a bit. League had always been his priority and now he was much more concerned about saving his broken heart.

He said nothing during the team meeting. He was too busy with his own mind and it was kind of embarrassing that he couldn't play properly anymore.  
Tim was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice the meeting had ended. He also didn't see Bwipo and Rekkles leaving their room and disappearing for a few minutes.  
He only started to notice things again when Hyli touched his shoulder.  
"Is everything okay?" the support asked worriedly. Tim nodded quickly.  
"Not my day," he said apologetically. Hyli didn't look particularly happy with his answer, but he didn't ask further. "Happens, don't worry about it," the support advised and Tim smiled gratefully.

 

In the van, he had to sit next to Rekkles - of course. Tim pressed himself as close to the window as he could. He had his headphones on and just hoped that no one wanted to speak to him. The nocturnal Berlin rushed past the windows of the van and he stared at it with an empty, unfocused gaze.

They hadn't gone far before he felt a hand on his own. Tim flinched as if someone had given him an electric shock and pushed himself even closer to the window - if that was even possible. He punished Rekkles with a withering look. The AD Carry looked at him critically and Tim felt more than uncomfortable. Quickly he looked out the window again, but he felt the ocean green eyes in his neck and it made his heart beat faster. Tim swallowed hard. That would be a long drive... 

Rekkles grabbed Tim's hand again and the midlaner pulled it away quickly. "Don't fucking touch me," he spat through his teeth, pure despair in his eyes. Rekkles jerked back at the hard words and stared at Tim speechless. The midlaner just shook his head with despise and continued to stare into the night.

He had no strength anymore. He just wanted it to stop, that Rekkles spontaneously decided to leave Fnatic and play in the LPL or in NA. At best in a mediocre team, so Tim never had to see him again, not even at international events ...  
Tim made the music on his headphones louder. He didn't even want to think about why Rekkles wanted to hold his hand after he had ignored him forever. He was too exhausted for that and tired of it. Tim closed his eyes and laid his head back, concentrating completely on his music.

 

Tim was startled when the cold air of the night hit him. It took him a moment to get his bearings.  
They had arrived at the gaming house and Hyli had opened the van's door.  
Rekkles did not look at him before he climbed out of the van. Tim rolled his eyes annoyed and followed him.

It struck him bitterly that Rekkles followed them into the house.  
There was only one reason why he would do that and that reason was he himself. Tim took a deep breath as he closed the door behind them. Without losing much time, he disappeared into his room and as he expected, it didn't take long before it knocked. 

"What?" he asked annoyed. He knew who was at the door.  
"May I come in?" Rekkles asked softly as he opened the door a little. Everything inside him screamed _no_ and yet Tim said, "If you really want to." And since he just didn't care anymore, he pulled his jersey over his head to put on a more comfortable shirt.

"I wanted to talk to you," began the Swede. Tim just nodded and dropped onto his bed. "I don't know what Bwipo told you, but I do not need a replacement for Caps. At least not anymore."  
"Right, you got me," snorted Tim and scrolled through Twitter without reading any comments just to avoid looking up. "Why do you have to turn every word in my mouth?" Rekkles asked, now also annoyed. "What have I done to you?!"

Tim gritted his teeth and wanted to say some ugly things, but then he decided not to do it. "Could it be that I'm not the problem?" Rekkles asked softly. Tim flinched when the ADC suspected it so directly. "You have trust issues," the Swede determined.  
Tim snorted in amusement. " _Issues_ ," he repeated sarcastically. "Why does everyone expect me to trust them when I've been trampled on all my fucking life?" he asked bitterly, looking up for the first time. His gray-blue eyes were filled with pain. Rekkles was silent. He didn't seem to know how to handle this picture of misery in front of him.

"You know, I'm not blind or stupid. I see how you look at me... or don't look at me. You can lie to yourself and tear down the whole team. Or you can finally kick your ass and accept it." Tim was silent.  
"You can also blame me for lying, but I'm serious about what I say," Rekkles continued when he didn't get an answer.  
"So it's my fault now?", Tim asked tonelessly. The ADC shrugged. "Partially, yes. It's not your fault that you're the way you are, but it's your fault if you stay that way."

"Wow, that was wise...", Tim mumbled.  
Rekkles chuckled. "I guess I'm a wise guy then."

For a moment it was quiet again. Tim thought about Rekkles's words and realized he was right. Maybe Tim was not to blame that some assholes took his trust in humanity. But he could work on it and change if he wanted to.  
"Maybe you are right", he mumbled and Rekkles smiled contentedly. "You can make the first step right now."  
"And that would be?"

"Tell me who did this to you. Tell me how they managed to destroy a whole human being until it’s just a fucking mess," Rekkles said softly. Tim shrugged. "Are you sure you want to hear that?" he asked. Rekkles nodded without hesitation.

And after a moment where Tim struggled with whether it was a good idea to expose his whole inner world and then seriously kicking his ass, he began to talk.  
From his first love, how happy he had been. He talked about the betrayal and the time after that where he hadn't wanted to speak to anyone. He told how it had gotten better and how he was then dumped by his second love just as cold-hearted.  
He told Rekkles how he was reminded over and over again that he was the problem. He told him that he never had self-esteem and had fled into League because it was the only place in the world where he got credit for his actions.

And as he talked, Rekkles had come closer to him until he finally pulled him into his arms. Tim endured it, sunken too deep in his story.  
But now, when he had finished, he became fully aware of the closeness and he stiffened. 

"I'm sorry that this has happened to you," Rekkles said quietly, loosening his hug to let Tim decide whether he wanted to be held or not. Gratefully, the midlaner moved away to be able to breathe.  
"It probably won't do much if I tell you I have no intention to hurt you, right?" the Swede asked thoughtfully. Tim didn't respond immediately. "I'm just completely terrified," he confessed. "Rekkles... look in the mirror and then look at me. I can never give you what you deserve."

"Who determines what I deserve?" Rekkles asked curiously. "Oh, and call me Martin please, I think we've come this far by now." Tim looked up in surprise. He hadn't expected that somehow. But Martin ignored his reaction.  
"I don't know," Tim murmured a little uncertainly to the previously asked question.  
"I've always had super sweet midlaners and you're no exception," Martin said, smiling amused as he saw Tim turn red.  
"Were you in a relationship with all your midlaners?" the brunette asked skeptically and Martin nodded slowly. "Peke, Febi and Caps." Tim swallowed hard.  
"So I'm just another trophy in the trophy case then?" he asked. "Or are you doing this out of a habit?"

Martin shook his head discontentedly. "I'm doing this because I like you. And I can say this three thousand times if you want me to."  
"Why did you leave them?"  
"I did not. All of them left me," Martin mumbled, suddenly hurt. Tim blushed. He hadn't realized that. "I'm sorry," he said, somehow feeling like he had to say something. Martin didn't react.

They were silent for a moment. Tim did not know what to say and Martin seemed to be deep in his thoughts.  
"I know that sounds silly, but you have to learn to trust me," the Swede said then. Tim nodded hesitantly.  
"You have to stop to think so much." The Midlaner smiled sadly. As if that was so easy. For a moment it was quiet again.  
"May I sleep here today?" Martin asked cautiously. Tim hesitated a moment before nodding. What did he have to lose?

So they changed quickly and Tim took care that he was not lying to the wall. He wanted to have a way to escape when it was too much for him. Martin had gotten his own blanket and was already in bed. Tim lay down next to him and turned to the room. Thanks to the two blankets, it was not as bad as the midlaner had thought. 

"Good night, Timi," Martin mumbled. "Timi?", Tim asked skeptically and heard Martin laugh softly.  
"Don't know about that one...", the smaller grumbled, before he put his smartphone on the bedside table and turned off the lights.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Tim was sleeping badly. He had weird dreams that he couldn't really follow. At some point, he was woken up by a touch.  
"Tim?" he heard softly. He blinked sleepily and felt Martin's hand on his shoulder. "What is it?" the midlaner asked in a rough voice. "You kicked."

"Sorry," he muttered softly, trying to calm his troubled thoughts. "Dreamed badly?" he heard Martin ask. Tim was still turned to the room. He nodded slightly.  
"Do you wanna talk about it?" the ADC asked cautiously. Tim shrugged.  
"I don't remember what happened. It was just... exhausting," the smaller one said softly and turned on his back.  
"What time is it?" he asked.  
"No idea, definitely in the middle of the night," Martin muttered.

For a moment, they just lay quietly in the dark room. Tim heard Martin breathing and somehow it calmed him down.  
The desire for more closeness rose in him, but he didn't dare to ask, let alone just go and seek it. But apparently, Martin had the same idea. 

"Do you want to cuddle?" the Swede asked cautiously. Tim swallowed hard, took a deep breath and finally nodded. What did he have to lose? He was already in too deep anyway. And he wanted to change, right?

Martin lifted his blanket and Tim slipped underneath it without thinking about it any further. Immediately he was nearly knocked out by the heat of the Swede. But he suppressed the desire to go back to distance and let Martin pull him on his chest.

Tim's heart beat too fast, his breathing was irregular and hectic, and he was stiff.  
With gentle but firm grips, Martin helped his midlaner to lie down reasonably.  
Tim found himself with one of his legs between those of the ADC, his arm across Martin's upper body. Tim was incredibly nervous when he realized he could hear Martin's heartbeat and feel his breathing.  
"It's alright," he heard Martin whisper in his ear. He suddenly felt a hand in his hair, which made him flinch. But Martin didn't withdraw his hand but began to gently stroke Tim. And as unpleasant as the situation was for the smaller one, it felt really good.

 

It took forever for Tim to really relax.  
But at some point his heart beat slower, his breathing normalized and he could let go of all the tension.  
"Nobody will hurt you," Martin muttered in his ear and Tim nodded slowly. The warmth and soft touch of the other made him very tired. Tim felt safe and that was new to him. New, but wonderful.

He could not quite grasp that he was lying in bed with his AD Carry and that they were so close. He also couldn't understand that the fingers of the other were still playing with his hair and he whispered sweet things in his ear every now and then. Maybe it was luck, maybe stupidity, Tim was not so sure yet. 

"Do you want to sleep a bit?" Martin asked softly and Tim nodded again. "Okay. You can go anytime if it gets too much."

Tim nodded again. He knew he would not leave. It was too late for that. He had fallen too far to the feeling of security. If he was honest, he never wanted to miss it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously: Who thought the boys would end up like this after the first half of the chapter?  
> Do you think they finally got their shit together or will it all fall apart when the morning comes, just like last time?  
> Let me know in the comments!
> 
> (and thanks to all the wonderful people who commented so far and left kudos, you guys are awesome!)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Tim and Rekkles finally got it sorted out and slept in the same bed for the second time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!  
> Another chapter for you guys, I hope you like it!

_And it's so good to be yours but I'm so terrified you'd leave me in the dark._   
_Stay._   
**\- Echos, Stay**

 

Of course, Tim had not left. He had woken up in Martins arms, his neck a little stiff from lying in the same position for too long. 

Sleepy, he lifted his head and tried to get rid of the stiffness by stretching, which didn't really work. Carefully, he broke away from Martin and dropped onto his back. He stared at the ceiling for a moment, then looked at the other man in his bed. His head yelled at him aloud, what he was thinking? Did he really want to believe this fairytale that someone wanted him? Was he really going to get hurt again?

Tim shut his thoughts out. He knew he was destroying himself with this thing either way, so he didn't need anyone to tell him over and over again. 

He looked at the young man next to him.   
Tim had to remember how often he had seen him from afar, how many times he had watched Fnatic's games.   
It was kind of weird to lie here and study Martin's features. Tim was suddenly aware of how stunningly beautiful the Swede was and it made him shudder briefly.   
_,Why? Why you?_ , his head screamed and Tim turned his gaze away until he could banish those destructive thoughts again.  
Then he caught sight of the Swede's tattoos and noticed that he had never looked at them in detail.   
He wondered if they meant anything or just landed on the skin for the sake of beauty. Tim would probably never get tattooed. He thought it didn't suit him.   
But he had to admit that Martin's tattoos looked pretty sexy. The contrast of the black color on the light skin pleased him.

"Do you like them?" Tim flinched when Martin spoke to him. He hadn't noticed that he was awake.  
"Yes," he answered quietly and blushed a little. Martin laughed softly and then stretched yawning.   
"Alright, we should get up, I guess. Time to smash Origen," he murmured, still a bit sleepy. Tim nodded, smiling slightly. "Sure."

Tim ran into Broxah straight away when he left the bathroom.   
The jungler stopped, looked at him and smiled knowingly.   
"What?", Tim asked. Broxah raised his eyebrows.   
"You two finally got it sorted out?", the Dane asked. Tim blushed immediately and looked at the floor beneath his feet. Broxah laughed quietly.   
"I take that as a yes." The jungler winked at him before leaving in the direction of the kitchen.   
Tim stood there and felt a little exposed. It wasn't until Martin came out of Tim's room that the midlaner moved. "You look like you've seen a ghost", Martin determined. "Maybe I did", Tim grumbled, ducking away under Martin's hand that tried to ruffle his hair teasingly. Tim sighed. Time to start his day.

*~*~*~*

They started to win. As if a switch had turned. They won and won and Tim didn't know why. Because somehow nothing special had changed. They just worked better together. And in the meantime, he had his... relationship with Martin.   
Tim was not sure if he wanted to call it a relationship or even could, because nothing spectacular happened. Sometimes they slept together in a bed, but that was already a lot to ask for and Tim had to have a good day.   
He really tried to be a little more open and relaxed. But he could not help but flinch when Martin took his hand, or blush when he got a compliment.  
But with every day Martin didn't stab him in the back, it got better. And Tim secretly enjoyed someone caring for him.

 

When playoffs came and things got a bit more stressful, they moved away from each other again.   
That was okay because, to be honest, Tim didn't really have much else in mind besides practice and scrims.

The semifinal was only two days away, it was late and Tim was still in the office.   
He was not alone. Martin and Hyli were also there. He realized he was getting tired. Soloq was also not so enjoyable at this time of day and it was another day where his hands and wrists hurt. He decided after a few minutes in the game that it would be his last for today.   
He yawned heartily after missing a skill shot. Suddenly he felt hands on his shoulders. A quick glance up confirmed his guess. "You look tired," Martin noted.  
"And your eyes look like you smoked weed", he answered dryly. Martin laughed so softly that a shudder ran down Tim's spine and began to gently massage Tim's neck. "Maybe I did."  
"Sure."  
Thanks to the pleasant touch, Tim was now even less able to concentrate on his game and when he got into a trade, suddenly enemy jungler appeared next to him. "Flash," Martin shouted from behind, but Tim had long since pressed the spell. "Thanks for the advice," he grumbled. "I love it when you are so grumpy." Martin chuckled.   
"I know," Tim sighed and let his champion base. For a moment, he just focused on the fingers that caressed his neck and loosened the tense muscles. Tim asked softly, "Can you do this when I'm on stage, too?"  
"Definitely not!"  
"Why?!"  
"Because I don't want you to int."  
"Idiot," Tim grumbled, ignoring the soft laughter of the ADC. "Could you leave me in peace for my last game?" he asked and was glad when Martin disappeared. "I'll wait for you."  
Was that a threat or a promise? Maybe both. Tim shook his head, smiling, and played his game reasonably well.

 

When Tim was done, he found Martin on the couch. He had his chin buried in his hoodie and tapped on his smartphone. Tim stood in the doorway for a moment, watching the Swede. He had pulled up the sleeves of the black hoodie he was wearing, his eyes were tired and unfocused, the otherwise styled blonde hair was a little messy and didn't obey the hair gel anymore. Martin looked hella adorable.   
A slight smile crept on Tim's features. Martin looked up and was a little surprised to see Tim standing in the doorway. "Stalker," he said in amusement and stretched. "Ready to go?"  
"Yes," Tim replied softly. Martin nodded and got up slowly. They returned to the gaming room and said goodbye to Hyli, who promised them that he would go to bed soon.

 

Berlin was still cold, although it was already April.   
Tim had the feeling that this city was always cold, regardless of the temperature. He buried his hands in the pockets of his jacket.   
They didn't talk much on the way to the gaming house. Tim was just fine with it. He enjoyed the other's presence, even if it consisted of just walking through Berlin at night. 

They stopped outside the gaming house. Here it was mostly decided where and how they slept.   
"Last night in Berlin for a while," Martin said softly. Tim nodded. He hadn't even thought about the fact that they would go to Rotterdam tomorrow.   
After that, holiday with the family was next and if they would win, they would fly directly to Korea. He would not see Berlin until the Summer Split.  
"Can we sleep at your place tonight?" Tim asked softly. Martin nodded, smiling. "Of course."

 

At some point, Tim had taken fresh shorts, a shirt to sleep in, and a toothbrush to Martin.   
It had annoyed him that he always had to run back to the gaming house.  
He was the first who was ready and lay down in Martin's dream of bed. The mattress was at least three times as thick as his in the gaming house and you could feel that clearly. 

Tim was reading his very strange messages on Instagram when Martin went to bed beside him. "What are you reading?", the Swede asked immediately.   
"Weird messages from egirls," Tim replied, slightly amused. Martin moved closer to him to watch the screen.  
"You are so innocent. I would like to show you some stuff," the midlaner read out and wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Do you get those messages too?" he asked. Martin laughed softly. "I stopped counting them. The reason why I'm never on social media. You don't believe how many fuck-starved fangirls are out there"  
"And yet you picked me," Tim murmured absently. He still could not believe or even understand it.   
"Yes," was Martin's simple answer. He took the smartphone from the midlaner and put it on the bedside table.   
Martin reminded him, "I told you not to worry about the thoughts inside your pretty little head."   
"I know... but it's not as easy as you want it to be."  
Martin didn't respond. 

Tim moved his hands, searching for the pain in his movements. It was getting better already and he was sure that it would be gone tomorrow. Martin noticed that. "Do they hurt?" he asked with a worried look. "A bit," Tim muttered.  
"Do they hurt regularly?" Martin grabbed Tim's left arm and looked at it. The midlaner found that rather odd, it was not like he had an open break or anything else that you could see.   
"Once a month, not more," Tim said softly. Martin growled in understanding. "Is it okay for you if I massage them a bit?" the blonde asked, cocking his head questioningly. Tim shrugged. "Sure."  
Martin adjusted Tim's left hand and began to massage it with gentle but precise movements. The midlaner watched the whole situation fascinated. "Do you want to turn on music?" Martin asked softly.   
Tim didn't answer, just reached for his smartphone, connected it to the bluetooth box that stood on the bedside table, and started his playlist. Then he sank back into the pillows and closed his eyes, enjoying the soft touch of Martin's fingers.  
Tim was surprised how good it felt. Somehow he had not expected that.

"Other hand," Martin demanded quietly at some point and Tim was a little proud of himself, that he had not fallen asleep yet. So he held out his right hand to Martin but was immediately dissatisfied with the position he was being forced to take.  
With a frown, he lay halfway on his ADC. "I can't reach your hand properly like this," Martin said a little unhappy because he now had to reach over Tim. "I don't care," Tim grumbled into Martin's shirt. Martin rolled his eyes, sighed, and then put his arm over Tim to grab his hand.

Tim could swear it was even better now than before and he purred peacefully. "Does it feel good?" Martin asked amused.   
"Obviously," Tim murmured. "Where did you learn that?"  
"I watched YouTube tutorials," Martin admitted, laughing softly. "Why?"  
"Because you can massage your own hand if it hurts. And since mine do that occasionally I just learned how to ease the pain," the ADC explained. Tim made an understanding noise. "Makes sense. You are crazy good though. "  
"Thank you," Martin smiled and stroked over Tim's hand a few more times before putting it on his chest. "Is it better now?"  
"It is", Tim mumbled sleepily. "Great. I want to know my midlaner in best shape when we're about to play our semifinal."  
Martin stretched out to turn off the light and the music.

Tim sighed contentedly as he felt Martins arms around him again.   
He hadn't quite got used to the feeling when he was so incredibly close to the other.   
It took his breath away every time. He buried his nose in Martin's neck and allowed himself to relax and let go.   
"Sleep well, beautiful," Martin murmured, giving him a quick kiss on his forehead. Tim would probably have flinched or tensed or blushed if he had been more awake.   
But he only noticed it on the edge of his consciousness and so his heart just made a small, amorous jump, before he fell asleep.

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

Tim was not very nervous about their semifinal. He was more... excited. It was his first big event with Fnatic and he wondered what it was like to have a whole arena behind his back.  
He noticed that the others were also more tense than usual. Not really nervous, but Hyli was calmer than usual. Bwipo had been talking all day without even taking a breath and Tim was a little proud of himself that he hadn't told the toplaner to shut up. Martin was a bit more reserved than usual, and he fell into his gameface more often, seeming completely absent.   
Only Broxah was as always, radiating that incredible calmness that instantly soothed Tim. He knew that he himself said even less than normal, but that didn't seem to bother anyone. Joey only asked him once how he felt and when he answered positively the coach was satisfied.

Tim enjoyed the moment of the rehearsal more than it might have looked from the outside. He loved the big stages more than anything else. His heart beat faster with pride and love for his team and he felt a bit on top of the world.

The feeling disappeared relatively quickly.   
Origen embarrassed them.   
They played catastrophic.   
It was like the beginning of the season.   
Nobody seemed to be on the same page, Bwipo and Hyli tried the craziest plays while everyone else was hesitating if it was right.

Sona Taric fucked them in the first two games completely.   
And even if they played the third game in their old way... they did not manage to complete the reverse sweep.   
And so Tim's first split in the LEC didn't end the way he had imagined. He had always been so sure that they would win and it was surreal to think that it was over now. 

The team meeting after the loss was the hardest for Tim.   
Martin was nearly crying when he apologized for his performance. Tim wanted to scream, "We all played like shit today, it's not your fault!", but he remained silent, unable to utter the words.  
Martin's expression was pure disappointment and self-hatred and it hurt Tim to see it. Because he knew the feeling behind it just too well.   
But did he have the strength to build Martin up and help him? No. He did not have that.   
He just stood there and let Joey deliver the plain vanilla speech that none of them needed.  
Of course, everyone was so proud that they had made it this far.   
And the comeback had been so blatant and the next split was going to be better anyway.  
That was nothing that interested Tim.  
They had lost, even though they had been the favorite.   
Their whole practice had been shit, they had not made it.   
_He_ had not made it.   
Angrily, Tim bit his teeth together.   
He didn't quite know how to make it through the fanmeet now. 

He needed fresh air first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Losing sucks.   
> But as we've seen yesterday, this split did in fact start better, haha.  
> I'd would love to read some comments of you.  
> Have a nice weekend end enjoy LEC tonight!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Fnatic lost against Origen in Rotterdam and Tim couldn't speak up in the team meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> What's better than to celebrate the 3-0 start with a new chapter?   
> Before I let you go, I need to teach you some Slovenian though.  
> For the love of everyone, I let them speak in English most of the time.  
> But still, you need to learn exactly three words. Ready?  
> starejši brat - big brother  
> mlajši brat - little brother
> 
> Now you're ready to go. Have fun!

**Jealousy**   
_A sentiment which is born in love and which is produced by the fear that the loved person prefers someone else._

 

Tim made his way relatively quickly through the catacombs of the arena until he reached the outdoor area.   
The cold air actually made him take a deep breath as he walked along the fence to sort out his thoughts.

They should have won, they couldn't excuse this horrible performance.   
Tim felt tears of anger rise in him and he caught himself asking innumerable "what if" questions.   
What if he played another champion?   
What if he played fights better?   
What if he survived this gank or that teamfight?   
Tim gritted his teeth and closed his eyes for a moment. He really was not good at losing...

 

At some point, he turned around. He had to get back to his team and the fan meeting. After all, he felt a little better now and not quite so slain.  
Tim was almost back at the entrance to the arena when he heard Martin's voice.   
He raised his gaze, which he had previously focused on the ground beneath his feet and hesitated when he realized his boyfriend was not alone.   
He stood there with no other person than Caps. 

The jealousy flooded Tim immediately and he stopped in the shadow of a van that was parked beside him.   
What was going on? Why was Caps even here?  
"I would have loved to play against you in the final," the G2 midlaner said, a mischievous smile on his smooth features.   
"I bet," Martin murmured, who had buried his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants and was staring into the night.   
Both were silent for a moment. 

"I'm sorry that I left you," Caps said so quietly that Tim barely understood it.   
Martin laughed dryly and with some kind of pain that hit Tim hard. "Sure. I would also be really sorry if I played in the final tomorrow."  
Caps lowered his gaze embarrassed. "I mean it. I really am sorry. I could have said goodbye at least."

Everything in Tim tightened when he saw the pain in Martin's eyes. "You could have," the ADC answered, his voice hoarse and his eyes filling with tears he blinked away aggressively.  
Tim got angry. Caps had no right to hurt Martin like that. Why did he even have that power to do so?  
"I still love you, even though it doesn't look like it," Caps admitted softly.   
Tim's heart jumped to his throat and he was frightened of what Martin would do now.   
"You don't. If you would love me, you wouldn't have left me," the Swede said.   
"I didn't leave you. I left Fnatic. "  
"And I _am_ Fnatic," Martin snarled.   
Tim could see his hands clenching into fists in his pockets.   
Caps was speechless and chewed embarrassed on his lower lip. "How can I prove it?" the G2 midlaner asked softly.   
_'You don't, you fucking idiot, leave him alone,'_ Tim wanted to scream, but he didn't do it. He was too curious about what would happen next.

Martin didn't answer directly. He studied Caps extensively and sighed deeply.   
The smaller midlaner looked at him with big eyes, but when he got no answer he took the initiative himself.

Tim didn't expect it to hurt so much. He felt as if he would be stabbed in the back when Caps took the last step forward and pulled Martin down to a kiss.   
Tim needed to hold on to the van. Otherwise, he would have broken down for sure. Martin kissed Caps back for a few seconds... longing? Desperate? Caps buried a hand in Martins hair and pulled him even closer, deepening the kiss. They seemed perfect together, their lips synced in a way that ripped Tims heart out.   
He could see the picture of the perfect Carry duo, two incredible players so incredibly close...  
Only then Martin's brain seemed to turn back on and he pushed Caps away and only then Tim felt like he could breathe again.

"I missed this," Caps said with a slight smile. Tim had to suppress the urge to beat that pretty smile out of his oh so beautiful face.  
He was actually a very peaceful person, but what he just saw drove him crazy. Martin had started to stare into the night again, his eyes seemed completely empty.

"What do you want me to say?“ Martin asked softly, "Come and fuck me and I'll take you back or what?"   
Tim clenched his teeth. The thought of those two people being so close to each other almost made him puke.   
"You destroyed me by fucking walking away as if none of what we accomplished together was worth saving“, the Swede hissed, "we played Worlds finals, we lost, I held you while you cried yourself to sleep and the next day you left. You just left. No questions asked, no second thoughts. And you did not even have the balls to tell me. I learned through a fucking article from Jacob fucking Wolf."   
Caps stood there surprised and speechless, didn't really know how to deal with the furious Swede in front of him. He clearly didn't expect this to happen.  
"You know me, Rasmus. You know how self-destructive I can be after losses. And yet you come here and fucking kiss me?! You think you’re the king of this world and everyone falls at your feet, don’t you?" Martin made a meaningful pause, his gaze was filled with so much disgust that even Tim was surprised by it.  
"Seriously: fuck you. Or ask Perkz if he gets you off, I bet he'll be in for it", the ADC growled before turning and disappearing into the arena. 

Tim's heart was beating so loud that he was afraid that Caps could hear it.   
But the Dane just looked a little lost before he shrugged and disappeared inside the arena again.  
Tim took a deep breath and tried to suppress the tremor that had seized him.   
He didn't know what he felt, but it was too much.   
Too much of everything.   
Too much pain, too much relief, too much hate, too much fear.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Tim had been standing outside for a while until he felt stable enough to return to his team. Joey greeted him with a stressed look and quickly sent his team to the fanmeet. Martin gave Tim a piercing look that the midlaner didn't understand. But he couldn't ask, because as soon as they reached the fanmeet, Martin had put on a perfect façade he kept up for the entire evening.

 

Tim couldn't talk to Martin in private.   
After the fanmeet, they had been driven to the hotel instantly and before Tim could say anything, Martin had disappeared into his room and shortly thereafter went out to party. The others didn't really notice anything and Tim couldn't even blame them.  
After all, they were all unhappy and Martin's façade was almost perfect.   
If Tim hadn't witnessed the scene outside, he certainly wouldn't have noticed himself.

And so it happened that they didn't see each other anymore.   
Because Tim's plane left early the next morning, earlier than Martin got up.   
The midlaner didn't like the fact that he had to go home without saying goodbye to his boyfriend or addressing the scene of yesterday.   
The whole thing kept Tim busy and he thought about it a lot. He wondered what had gone through Martin's mind when Caps just kissed him like that.   
Why had he kissed him back? Why had he let it get that far? Did he still love Caps?

Tim could not help but think about it and not even his family, whom he had not seen in such a long time, could distract him. Tim had never been the family-type of person anyway, and since his home was not necessarily his favorite place, he hadn't missed them much.  
Of course, it was nice to sleep in his own bed again, it was nice to pet his cat again (he really missed her, there was nothing better like petting a purring cat...) and get food from his mother and not have to think about League at Easter, but it didn't distract him enough to not think about Martin.  
He had not heard from him since they had parted ways in Rotterdam.   
No message, no call. Not even a post on social media. Martin could also have disappeared or died and Tim wouldn't have known.

 

On Easter Monday, they just returned from a meal with Tim's grandparents.   
It was the last night he would spend with his brother, probably for a while. Gaj had moved to work in another city and only came home from time to time. They had agreed to watch a movie, as they used to do back in the days.   
So they both made themselves comfortable on Tim's bed and chose a movie on Netflix. But just as they wanted to start, Gaj stopped him.   
"What's up, _mlajši brat_?" he asked cautiously.   
"What do you mean?" Tim asked, slightly confused.  
"Do you think I wouldn't notice that something's bothering you?" Gaj cocked his head. "Is it really that lose?"  
Tim hesitated. He should have known. His brother knew him better than anyone and of course he realized that something was wrong. "You can tell me," Gaj encouraged him. Of course, he could tell his brother. If not him, who then?  
"It's a long story," Tim mumbled a little evasively. "I have nothing left to do today." And that was how Gaj broke the ice. "But you have to promise me that you won’t laugh“, Tim still demanded and when his brother rolled his eyes and replied, "Of course not", Tim was beaten.  
"I ... I'm kinda in a relationship with Rekkles..."

"You are what?!" Gaj looked shocked.  
"Yeah, I know, it's hard to believe..."  
"Woooow, Tim... you've got the jackpot!" Gaj said and patted Tim's shoulder grinning.   
Tim just waved off. "How did you do this?" his brother asked. And Tim told him the whole story of how they somehow ended up in this wannabe relationship, even though Tim had actually done everything to avoid it.

"And what's bothering you now?", Gaj asked at some point.   
"I haven't talked to him since Rotterdam", Tim mumbled sadly. "Why?"  
"I saw Caps kiss him..."  
Gaj stared at him in shock for a moment. "What a fucking asshole," he mumbled then. Tim shook his head. "Martin pushed Caps away and literally destroyed him afterwards. He doesn't know that I've seen it either..."  
"And you two haven't talked since...", Gaj mumbled thoughtfully. "Yes."

For a moment they were silent. "And I'm scared that he realized how useless I am," Tim admitted so quietly that you could easily overhear it. Gaj shook his head.   
"Shut up, Tim! You're not useless and if he thinks that he's a fucking idiot", the older boy grumbled. A warm feeling spread in Tim as he realized how much he loved his brother. Just for the fact that he always supported him, no matter what happened. Even if he had completely forgotten to text or even talk to him while he was in Berlin...

"I think you should write him." Gaj's suggestion brought Tim back. The midlaner grumbled unhappy. Of course, he had thought about writing Martin several times, but he was too scared of it.  
That's why he asked, "What if he doesn't answer?"   
"Makes him an idiot, too."  
Tim sighed and dropped his head against the wall behind him. "Do you love him?", Gaj asked carefully.   
"I do not know. Maybe. Or maybe it's just a crush," Tim muttered half-hearted. "Do you think he loves you?"  
"I don't know either. I don't even know what real love is so who am I to jugde", the midlaner grumbled. Gaj smiled a little sad.

"Seriously, write him," he said then. "I can't leave you this heartbroken tomorrow."  
"I'm not heartbroken!"  
"Yes, you are, _mlajši brat_."  
"Stop calling me this," Tim grunted insulted. Gaj ruffled his hair laughing. Then Tim sighed and gave in.   
"What should I write?" He asked as he pulled his smartphone out of his pocket and opened the chat with Martin. "How about ... _'Hey'_?" Gaj suggested, earning a disbelieving look from his brother. "Or better: _Hello, it's me... I was wondering if after all this years you'd like to meet..._ " Gaj sang incredibly wrong and Tim could not help but laugh. His brother was an idiot.

"You're supposed to be the wise one," he accused. Gaj raised an eyebrow. "I think I made two great suggestions."  
"So I just write, _'Hey'_ or what?"  
"Yes?"  
"That gives me throwbacks to those dumb three word conversational back in high school."  
"What are you doing? - Nothing, you? - Nothing," Gaj went on. "Those conversations were the best!"  
"They were not," Tim grumbled. "But Rekkles is not anyone but your boyfriend. He should write you more than three words back if you ask me", Gaj interjected.   
Tim knew his brother was right, but the fear in him was far too present to send the three letters.   
"Should I do it for you?" Gaj asked obligingly and was about to reach for his brother's smartphone, but Tim shook his head defensively.   
"Then do it! Otherwise you've got no balls. "  
Tim studied Gaj for a moment. He realised that he was behaving like a little child at the moment. So he took a deep breath, squeezed "send" with a pounding heart, immediately locked his smartphone and threw it to the other end of the bed. "I feel so dumb now," he grumbled, burying his head under the covers. "I'm proud of you," Gaj joked and started the film without comment.

If anyone had asked Tim at the end what had happened, he would not have been able to answer.   
He was so nervous about the stupid message that he couldn't concentrate and didn't dare to look at his smartphone afterwards.   
Gaj watched his suffering amused and again asked to do it for his little brother. Of course, Tim didn't want to do that either and so he quarreled with himself for a few minutes until Gaj had finally convinced him enough to take a look.  
Tim felt like a little schoolgirl as he reached for his smartphone with trembling hands and unlocked it.   
His heart jumped when he saw two messages from Martin.

_Hey beautiful, how are you?_   
_Sorry that I haven't messaged you the last few days, I needed some rest._

"And? What did he say? ", Gaj asked curiously and tried to get a glimpse of the screen, which Tim had shielded from his eyes. "He asks me how I am and says he's sorry for not writing me," Tim said softly and with a loving smile on his lips. "There you go," Gaj replied.

"You've really fallen for him, don't you?" He asked cheekily. Tim blushed a bit. "Why?"  
"Why? You grin like a Cheshire cat after looking miserable the last few days," Gaj laughed, happily taking the kick from his brother.   
Both were silent for a moment.  
"I'm happy for you, _mlajši brat_. You finally get what you deserve," Gaj said quietly, and Tim couldn't help but blush at all the love he got. "Thanks, _starejši brat_. I love you too," he muttered, and even if he tried to sound as sarcastic as possible, Gaj knew he was serious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be honest: Who was scared when Martin kissed Caps back? Who thought that was it?  
> And... do you have answers for Tim's questions? Why did he do this?
> 
> Let me know!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Tim's brother finally convinced him to write Martin and Tim felt like a teenie in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it Saturday already? No? Damn, you are lucky then I guess.  
> Somehow I finished this story in one night and now I can't wait to show you guys how it ends.  
> Brace yourself for the reunion of our boys and some fluff!  
> Have fun!

_There are a few things in life so beautiful they hurt:_  
_Swimming in the ocean while it rains,_  
_reading alone in empty libraries,_  
_the sea of stars that appear when you're miles away from the neon lights of the city,_  
_bars at 2 am,_  
_walking in the wilderness,_  
_all the phases of the moon,_  
_the things we don't know about the universe,_

_and you._  
**\- Beau Taplin**

 

The next few weeks were difficult for Tim. He missed Martin more than he wanted to admit.  
They had been writing every day since that Easter Monday and even spent two evenings on Discord talking about God and the world, but it wasn't enough for Tim. He missed the loving touches and the cuddling, especially when he was alone in bed at night.  
It even went so far that Tim started counting the days until he would go back to Berlin. He spent his time streaming and playing League and even made it to Rank 1 with his messed up MMR and Crownie's support. Without going insane. That definitely was an accomplishment.  
Sometimes he felt that time just did not pass, no matter what he did. He had the feeling that he would never see Martin again, his anxiety crept in and told him that his boyfriend would surely enjoy the time without him and was not so much looking forward to meeting him again.  
Of course, he didn't tell Martin about it. Just as he didn't talk about Caps. He felt that he had to do it in person. He wanted to see exactly how Martin reacted. He knew he would be too insecure if he just got a few written sentences as an answer. Because everyone could write a few apologetic sentences. It was much harder to speak them out loud.

 

Even if it didn't feel like it, his departure day came closer. Slowly but surely. And suddenly Tim found himself at the hairdresser's (he hated hairdressers, he always found himself terribly unsightly after visiting them) and the next day he was already at the airport.  
He was nervous, terribly nervous, and he wondered if he was really 19. His weird feelings made him rank himself at maybe 14. 

Martin was not there when he finally arrived at the office. His disappointment was clearly evident because Bwipo laughed softly and said, "Rekkles won't be here until tomorrow."  
Tim stared at him in shock. "What? Why?"  
_And why didn't he tell me?!_  
"I don't know. Joey told me," Bwipo replied with a shrug. Tim stood there crestfallen and looked so disappointed that Bwipo laughed. "Not funny," Tim grumbled and let himself fall on a chair with a sigh. Slightly offended, he pulled out his smartphone and wrote Martin.

_Why didn’t you tell me you wouldn’t be here today?_

He watched with satisfaction as the status of his friend changed to "online."

_I did not?_

_Apparently not..._

_Shit, sorry._

Tim dropped his smartphone on the table in resignation. He couldn't even be mad at Martin, after all, he had not lied to him or anything.  
And that he was so disappointed was the fault of his unbelievably enamored heart... His boyfriend couldn't do anything about that. A look in the direction of his teammate on the couch made him roll his eyes. Bwipo was still grinning stupidly, visibly amused by the mood swings of his midlaner.  
Tim sighed and picked up his smartphone again.

_When are you coming tomorrow?_

_Around 5pm or so_

Tim had to wait another twenty-six hours. "You'll survive this day after a month of waiting, I'm sure of it," Bwipo suddenly interjected. "Of course I'll survive," Tim grumbled. Still, it felt really shitty that all his anticipation had vanished.

_Wanna go and eat dinner tomorrow?_

Martin's message made his mood better immediately. The idea of dinner together - almost like a date! - made the delay a little more bearable.

_Sure. Where do you want to go?, Tim typed quickly._

_Don't know yet. Will text you as soon as I know more._

And with that, Martin disappeared into the offline status. Tim sighed theatrically, which made Bwipo laugh again before he went to his PC and played a little soloq. He had definitely missed that...

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

After lunch, Tim had become almost unbearable. He didn't know himself like this, so fastidious and sensitive. After Martin had sent him the address to a restaurant in the middle of Berlin, Tim's nervousness had risen. Exponentially.  
He lost nearly all his ranked games because he couldn‘t focus at all. He just played to somehow pass the time. 

An hour before the agreed time, Tim left the office and made a quick trip to the gaming house. He looked down at himself.  
He couldn't possibly keep his oversized Fnatic hoodie and sweatpants on.  
Indecisive the midlaner stood in front of his wardrobe.  
After a small staring contest with his clothes - maybe they would offer themselves if he just looked at them long enough - he finally decided on a plain, light blue shirt and black jeans.

He shouldn't have bothered to look into the mirror, because as always he was incredibly dissatisfied with what he saw.  
His hair was way too short and looked even more messy than usual. Even the little hair gel that Tim tried out did not really make it any better.  
Before the self-doubt could eat him up even more, he left the bathroom, grabbed his jacket and left.

 

The restaurant was not far from the gaming house, so Tim walked the ten minutes by foot. His nervous head wouldn't have endured anything else anyway.  
With each step, his heart beat a little faster and his throat felt a little tighter.  
It bothered him that he was so unbelievably nervous because after all, it was just Martin...  
But the mere thought of seeing his boyfriend again made him burst with excitement.

 

Google Maps told him that his destination wasn't far away and Tim saw the sign immediately, as he lifted his eyes from the road. He quickly checked the time. He was ten minutes early.  
Martin didn't seem to be there yet, at least he wasn't waiting outside the restaurant. Tim closed the navigation app on his smartphone, took a deep breath to calm his racing heart and entered the building.

A quick, almost hectic look told him that Martin wasn't inside either. A friendly waitress spotted him and spoke to him in German.  
"Sorry, I don't speak German," he said softly.  
"That's no problem, we can talk in English", the young woman answered and Tim was very grateful for that. "How can I help you?"  
"I need a table... for two," Tim said a little shy. To his relief, the waitress only nodded with a friendly smile.  
"Inside or outside?"  
"Inside," Tim answered without hesitation. He didn't like the idea of sitting on the street in the middle of Berlin. "Alright, follow me."

 

The table assigned to him was in a quiet corner and at the window. Satisfied, he sat down and looked on his smartphone for the thirtieth time to see if Martin had messaged him and was disappointed for the thirtieth time that he had not.  
Suddenly he wondered if he was at the right place and if his friend would come at all. "Can I get you something to drink?"  
Tim winced. He had completely forgotten the presence of the waitress. Frantically, Tim grabbed the menu, only to put it back on the table. He shook his head about himself slightly because he was so confused by his messy head. "A coke please," he said with a sigh. The waitress nodded and disappeared to get his order.  
Tim turned back to his smartphone. He quickly wrote Martin.

_I already got a table._

Not a second later he received an answer.

_Nice. I'm almost there._

Tim's heart bounced a little faster with anticipation, and he was grateful that the waitress brought him his glass to hold on to.  
How ridiculous in love was he?!

 

As the door opened and Martin came in, Tim's breathing stopped and he was sure his mouth stood open in astonishment.  
He had forgotten how stunningly beautiful his boyfriend was.  
Martin was wearing a black, thin jacket, dark jeans and his well-known white sneakers. He looked around, scanning the restaurant before he spotted Tim and approached him with a smile.  
Tim returned the smile with a raging heart and stood up to let Martin hug him.  
As soon as he felt Martin's arms around him and inhaled his scent deeply, which he had missed so much, he calmed down again.

"Hey," he heard Martin say softly. Tim could not answer, too overwhelmed by his feelings. The mess in his head and heart slowly changed into the familiar warmth, which always seized him as soon as Martin was around.  
"I-I missed you," Tim stuttered after a moment and blushed because it was all too much emotion for him.  
"I missed you too," Martin murmured softly. He let his hand ruffle Tims hair softly before he broke away from him and undressed his jacket (which looked so incredibly sexy on him). Tim sat back down on his chair, his hands trembling slightly as he reached for his drink.

"How are you?" Martin asked him, cocking his head curiously.  
"I'm fine I guess," Tim replied softly without raising his glance. He was not ready to look Martin in the eyes yet. "Did the guys treat you well in my absence?"  
Tim laughed softly. "Depends... Bwipo trolled me pretty hard yesterday..."  
"So he's fine too, I suppose. Would be worrying if he didn't do it."  
Tim could not argue with that. 

Martin grabbed the menu and Tim did the same. Shortly afterwards they ordered their food.  
Tim spent most of his time listening to Martin, somehow trying to get enough of his beauty.  
But he didn't really succeed, because every time he looked up from his plate, he noticed something new about his boyfriend, which made him look even better. Be it the reflection of the candle in the green-blue eyes, his stunning smile or the way he moved his hands when he talked about something exciting.  
Tim was almost speechless, only occasionally making noises of agreement.  
All the while, he was filled with the unbelievably pleasant warmth he had missed so much during his time at home.

 

At some point, they were done and Martin paid for them both, despite Tim's vehement protest. They left the restaurant and stopped. "Look at this", Martin said with an amused smile. He handed Tim the bill he got from the waitress and to Tim's displeasure, he found a cell phone number on it.  
"Who is it from?" he asked a little pissed. Martin chuckled as he noticed the jealousy in Tim. "I guess from the waitress."  
Tim threw a withering look back into the restaurant, though he could not even blame the poor girl. She couldn't have known that they were more than just friends.  
Tim crumpled the bill and threw it into the next bin.  
Martin watched him amused.  
"Do you want to come to my place?" he asked and Tim nodded without hesitation. He wasn't ready to part with his boyfriend again.

 

*~*~*~*

 

They silently made their way back to Martin's apartment. Tim was thinking.  
The thing with Caps came back to his mind and his heart contracted painfully.  
He glanced at Martin, but the ADC just walked beside him, his eyes lost in thought.  
Tim had to address it, but he didn't know how.  
He couldn't come straight to the point.  
His boyfriend didn't even suspect that he knew anything about it. Tim chewed on his lower lip. Why was it so complicated?

 

Arriving at Martin's apartment, they made themselves comfortable on the bed and watched one of the new series on Netflix.  
Tim found it a bit boring, but that wasn't too bad, because he just enjoyed being so close to his boyfriend.  
He had his head on Martin's chest and listened to his heartbeat and his breathing. He was glad to feel the warmth of him again and the gentle touches of his fingers chased small, pleasant waves through his nerves.  
Now and then, goosebumps covered his body when Martin touched a particularly sensitive spot, but all in all, Tim was extremely comfortable.  
"You behave like a cat sometimes," Martin stated at some point.  
Tim didn't answer, just sighing contentedly, continuing to focus on the steady, gentle touch Martin was giving him.

 

After the second episode, Martin stopped the series.  
He moved his hand into Tim's hair and played with it for a while. The midlaner closed his eyes with satisfaction.  
"They are so short", Martin remarked a little dissatisfied.  
"They'll grow again."  
Tim turned, so that he could look Martin in the eyes. He was immediately overwhelmed by the loving look the ADC gave him.  
"I missed this. Just the two of us in my bed..." Martin's hand wandered out of Tim's hair and caressed his features lovingly.  
Tim got warm and he lowered his eyes.  
"You are so beautiful," Martin mumbled. Tim blushed so deep that he was sure Martin could feel the heat beneath his fingers.

"Look at me." Tim carefully raised his eyes, his heart beating to his throat.  
"Have you ever kissed someone before?" Martin asked softly. Tim shook his head.  
He was more than aware of where this would lead. Martin smoothed his thumb gently over Tim's lips. "Do you want to try?"  
Tim thought this was a weird question. Of course, he wanted to. His gaze wandered to Martin's lips and immediately the image of him kissing Caps appeared in front of his eyes. So incredible desperate and perfect. Tim jumped back. 

"I want to try... but not with you."  
Martin froze and stared at his friend in shock. "What?"  
Tim did not bother to answer but pulled away from Martin's grip. "That's a joke, isn't it?"  
Tim could hear the shock in the voice of the ADC, but he still didn't answer.  
"Please tell me it's a joke." Martin's voice was nothing more than a soft whisper.  
"It's not," Tim replied. "I saw you after the semi-final. I saw how you kissed Caps."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should hide, shouldn't I?  
> I'm so sorry for this cut but I couldn't resist!  
> The good thing for you: You just have to wait two days now instead of a week, haha!
> 
> Thanks to all the beautiful people who left kudos and wrote comments, they really make my days better!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Tim confronted Martin with what he saw after the semi-final.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!  
> I'm so incredibly happy that our Fnatic boys beat G2 that I barely slept tonight, haha!  
> And now it's the perfect day to end this story, isn't it?  
> Enjoy the (maybe) last ride!

_And in the end,_   
_we were all just humans drunk on the idea that love,_   
_only love,_   
_could heal our brokenness._   
**\- F. Scott Fitzgerald**

Martin's heart stopped for a moment when he realized what Tim had just told him.   
"Don't you think you should've told me?", the midlaner asked provoking.  
"I- I- fuck," Martin stammered, running his hands through his hair. He had sat up and was visibly overwhelmed by the situation.   
"Tim, I ... I fucked up."

Tim didn't say anything, he just sat there staring at his boyfriend with a critical look.   
"This should not have happened. I don't know what I thought... Tim... I hate Ras- Caps. "  
"It did not look like it when you shoved your tongue down his throat."  
Tim noticed tears rising in Martin's eyes. "Please tell me I didn't ruin this. Please, Tim." Tim nearly broke the pleading look of his boyfriend but he wanted to know everything.   
"Why did you kiss him back? Tell me why. "

"I don't know, I felt like shit and he told me so much weird things and it messed with my head. Then he kissed me and I don't know... it just felt like maybe for a split second we were back where we left and I- I just wanted us to be a thing again I guess..."  
The answer hurt Tim more than he could've ever imagined. His face showed no emotions while a thunderstorm of sensations hit his heart.   
"But not like you think, I-" Martin frantically tried to find the right words and failed miserably. "I loved Caps so much once..."

"That's not the smartest thing to tell your boyfriend while you're trying to fix the mess you created," Tim interjected, his voice raspy with all the anger and pain he was suppressing.   
"Tim... he fucking destroyed me. He took everything I gave him and trampled it. I'm not proud of that. And I'm not proud of kissing him. I hate myself for it. I hate that I'm so weak, that he can say one word and destroy me again... and again... and again." Martin looked up. His eyes were flushed with tears, which he desperately tried to brush away. "You can't blame me for what I felt before I met you. That's not fair. "  
Tim shook his head slightly and swallowed hard. Martin was right. He could not blame him for loving Caps but he damn right wanted to.  
For a moment they were silent.

"Tim... you need to know that I love you. I really do."  
Tim winced when he heard Martin pronounce those three words. He had not expected that. „Please don’t tell me that Caps took this from me.“  
The look Martin gave him broke his heart. He couldn't torture his boyfriend any longer. He needed a moment to find the right words and couldn't quite figure out what to say. Then he just answered, "He did not."  
The relief on Martin's face was enormous. The ADC literally broke down crying. Tim sat there for a moment, too surprised by this intense reaction before he pulled Martin into his arms.

"Thank you," the Swede muttered into Tim's shirt again and again. Tim felt a bit awkward.   
He never comforted anyone and suddenly he had this crying mess in his arms.   
He painted patterns on Martin's back with his fingers and let his shirt dry the tears he was crying while he thought about everything that just happened. 

Martin "Rekkles" Larsson just confessed that he loved him. Him! The weird, not talking midlaner who was always a bit grumpy and almost never comfortable. Tim's heart jumped as he thought about it. He couldn't believe it. Martin moved in his arms, hid his face in his neck and took a deep breath. Tim felt the hot breath on his neck and it sent shivers down his spine.

It took Martin a few seconds until he found his composure again. "I’m sorry“, he said to the confused Tim.   
But the smaller boy just shook his head. "It's okay."   
It really was. Tim understood a few things he wasn't aware of before and now it was okay. Now he knew that Martin _loved_ him.

"I won’t let this happen again. And I’ll always let you know when something goes wrong“, Martin promised with big, pleading eyes.  
Tim just nodded. "It really is okay. To be honest, it was okay before. I just wanted to be sure you are not fooling me," the midlaner admitted quietly.   
Martin had to smile slightly. "Didn't expect this, did you?"  
"Definitely not..."

„When I told you that we’re all a fucking mess sometimes I didn’t lie“, Martin said cheekily before he got up to wash the tears off of his pretty face.   
Tim followed him to brush his teeth and change into more comfortable clothes.  
"Do you have a shirt for me?" he asked Martin when he noticed that all his belongings were still in the gaming house.   
"Sure, just pick one," was the answer from the ADC. So Tim took a look at Martin's closet and finally decided on a simple, black shirt with Fnatic logo. It was a bit too big for him - like everything Martin owned - but that made it perfect for sleeping.

 

In bed, he cuddled up to his boyfriend again. "I have a question," the Swede said thoughtfully after a moment. Tim looked up with a questioning look on his face. "Did I kill the mood with my breakdown or would you still be down for a kiss?"

Tim swallowed, speechless. He had not expected that. "I don't know," he answered honestly. "I'm not really good at this stuff..."  
"But I am." The old Rekkles was back, all cheekiness and confidence. Just his still slightly red eyes reminded Tim that the breakdown really happened. "Okay," he heard himself say, boosting his heartbeat to the limit instantly. "Let's try."

Martin smiled contentedly and pushed Tim backwards into the mattress to be able to sit over him. The midlaner felt himself starting to shake and he just put his hands on Martin's back. He didn't know where else to put them.  
"The important thing is... relax. You can't do anything wrong, okay?" Martin said, letting his hand gently stroke Tims features again. He caressed his lips shortly before looking the midlaner in the eye. "Did you understand?"

"Yes." Tim's voice was not more than a breath but it was enough for Martin. "Close your eyes," the ADC instructed and Tim obeyed willingly. Martin took one of Tim's hands of his back and loosely intertwined their fingers. The other hand held his cheek.   
Tim got incredibly warm and he shivered uncontrollably. His heart beat so loud and fast that Martin could certainly hear and feel it.   
_Relax_ , he told himself, forcing himself to take a deep breath.

"You are so, so, so beautiful," he heard Martin mumble and he wanted to open his eyes again, but then he felt soft lips on his own.   
He instantly lost control over his body. His heart exploded in his chest. Martin felt so good on his lips, it felt so good to be held. Tim's free hand wandered into Martin's hair automatically and held on to it. He felt Martin smiling into the kiss and carefully, he parted his lips, his heart jumping at the expectation of what would happen next. 

Martin instantly took the invitation and deepened the kiss. Slow and just a little bit, but Tim felt his tongue and teeth on his lips and it felt amazing. He was like wax in Martin's hands, never wanted it to stop.

But sadly, Martin pulled back after a time. He studied Tim's features with a loving smile. "Did you like it?" he asked.  
"Why did you stop?" was Tim's counter question. Martin just laughed softly. "We can do this all night if you want to."  
"I do," Tim said without hesitation and within a second, Martin's lips were back on his.   
They kissed slow and loving, without any rush. Martin's hand started to caress Tim's waist while the other one was still holding his hand, thumb stroking slightly over the back of it.

Sometimes they parted for a few seconds to catch their breaths. Tim felt like he learned everything about french kissing in these few minutes. Martin was indeed a damn good kisser. The rush the midlaner felt before slowly faded and while his heart was still beating fast, the warmth in his body made him more comfortable.

At some point, Martin lost track of Tim's lips. He kissed the jawline of his boyfriend down to his neck, where he sucked a bit on the smooth skin. Tim let his head fall back and could not suppress a soft moan. Damn, why did this feel so good?   
Martin's hand sneaked under the shirt Tim was wearing. The hot fingers on his skin caused Tim to shiver, sending goosebumps all over his body. "Martin ...", he sighed softly, not knowing where to hold on to when his eyelids fluttered.  
His boyfriend reacted instantly, he let his neck be and kissed him again, deep and soft.

"You learn fast," Martin said amused when they parted again. Tim blushed a bit.   
"Maybe it's because I have a great teacher."   
Martin smiled and eyed his boyfriend closely. His cheeks had a bit of a blush on them, his hair was chaotic and his lips were red and a bit swollen. Tim's gaze was a bit unfocused and messy and Martin had to admit that his boyfriend was looking way too good like this. He could not help but imagine him naked, pleading for satisfaction but Martin pushed those thoughts away fast.  
It wasn’t like Tim could handle that. Not yet at least.

Tim watched as Martin let himself fall on his back next to him.   
He instantly cuddled up to him, not ready to lose any of the intimacy they shared the last minutes.   
Martin chuckled as he noticed how clingy his boyfriend was and Tim sighed deeply when he felt the strong arms around him again. When they lay there like this he felt like no one could ever hurt him.   
Martin would never let that happen. Contently he buried his nose inside Martin's shoulder, completely losing himself in the scent and touch of his boyfriend.   
"Sleep well, beautiful," he heard Martin whisper, stretching to turn off the light. Tim's heart jumped a little and he mumbled "You too" before falling asleep completely happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go! We made it!  
> I never knew where this story would go but after I wrote this chapter I had this "this was it"-feeling.  
> Tim isn't a fucking mess anymore and we have a happy end!  
> You actually need to thank my best friend that they got a happy end, she talked me into it.   
> I was a slave to their game and I had to rewrite so many fights and even whole chapters because they really, really wanted to hate each other (we didn't even make it two chapters and they were hating each other so much I had to rewrite the whole story, haha). So it's all on my best friend that they ended up together!
> 
> But yeah, thank you for reading, leaving kudos and comments and just hanging along with me for the ride! :3  
> I hope you enjoyed the story!  
> If you have any ideas on what I could write next, just leave it in the comments, I'm open for anything!  
> Else... have a great weekend and take care.


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